There were ants everywhere.
Okay, in all fairness, it was not an entire ant colony, but there were more than a few ants crawling around all of our personal items and even recalling the sight has my skin crawling.
Anyone who truly knows me knows that I do not do crawly things. If it crawls or slithers and is not a baby, it is NOT for me. I run, become overly dramatic, and even cry in panicked anxiety. Put it this way, I have often questioned God as to why there was room on the arc for all of those things. Yet there we were, in our hotel room last Sunday morning, watching as ants crawled all up and through our stuff.
Levar had seen one ant the night before in a different area of the room and killed the lone ant. Because it was just one ant and I hadn’t seen it, I didn’t flip out and I didn’t call the front desk, I simply dismissed it and we carried on with our evening. We ate our feast (vegan food for me and a good portion of a cow for him) and watched Bright on Netflix. Then we showered, brushed our teeth, and hunkered down for the night.
Thoughts of waffles flooded my mind as I arose on Sunday morning and a quick Google search caused us to put some pep in our step to get me fed. It was as we were packing our belongings that we saw this brood of ants enjoying our clothes, closed food, and my sanity. What started off as repulsion for me soon turned into anxiety and panic and began to “feel” the ants crawling all over me. It is here that I should add that I have a love/hate relationship with hotels. I love the reprieve that they give, but I often sit in paralyzing fear as I think of the dirt and germs that also reside in those rooms. Oh, and this fear was pre-COVID so you can only imagine how much this has intensified in the past year. When staying at a hotel, I carry my own everything. Soap, towel, rag, blanket, etc. I make sure that I have my own because I do not know the germs that reside on their stuff. For this visit, I carried my disinfecting wipes and spray so that I could have an advantage against the unseen grime… but I was totally unprepared for the visiting ants and the receptionist’s implication that we invited the ants by having food in the room.
Whew… let me get to my point…
Lately I’ve been having these moments of “lost control” more frequently than before and it caused me to sit down with God for a second. I had to have a heart-to-heart with Him because I was curious as to why I kept having all of these melt- and breakdowns. In my conversation with Him, He sweetly reminded me, “you prayed for this.” Now, I’m not one to say that God is wrong or anything like that, but surely I hadn’t prayed for my anxiety to spiral out of control and for me to cry on the phone with a hotel receptionist. That’s when God met me where I’m at and clarified, “you asked Me to help you give up control.”
Oh yeah… I did pray something like that…
There are so many examples of my need for control coming to my mind right now that I cannot remember them all. Let’s just say that I love driving because I like to be in control of my arrival and departure, I sit by windows and doors because I like to control how quickly I can depart the room in case of emergency, and I prefer to text people so that I can control the words that I say to them. Yeah, it’s like that.
I do know that a few months ago I wrote a blog about control and a few years ago, I did the same thing (apparently, there was ANOTHER blog!). It has become very clear to me that God has decided that this month He will work on my need for control. In January, He taught me the meaning of love. In February, He brought me to the healing side of pain. In March, He showed me the Motivation in healing and in life. Now in April, He is helping me to give Him back control of my life.
To be perfectly honest, I am relieved! Trying to control every aspect of my life is both tiresome and cumbersome and I’d rather be doing fun things like eating vegan ice cream as I stroll through Carroll Creek Park. So today, on this Easter Monday (Happy Resurrection, Beloved!), I take off my Control Freak hat and toss it into the wind. Today I walk in the freedom that Savior’s death, burial, and resurrection have afforded me.
Today, I AM FREE!
Free to NOT be in control.
PS- will you please pray with and for me, Beloved. As with each healing season of my life, I can tell that this will not be easy and I need your help. Please continue to pray that God would work His will within my life. Please continue to pray my strength in the Lord. Please pray my peace in the Lord. Please pray for my continued reliance on God in this season. Thank you in advance. Love you much!