I just wanted the pain to end.
For about the past two weeks, I have been experiencing pain in the area where my gallbladder used to be. At first the pain was only present when I ate gluten- you know, the protein in wheat that I’m NOT supposed to eat. But recently the pain has just been present no matter what I do.
On Good Friday I fasted from food and water for the entire day as I prepared to preach that evening. I often do this as a way of only allowing myself to be full of God’s Word, versus earthly food. It’s a beautiful experience and practice that connects me deeper with my Abba; something that I try to do often. Yet one of the most unexpected blessings of this particular fast was that I had no pain in that part of my body. YAY!!!
As I read scriptures, I felt good.
As I wrote my sermon, I felt good.
As I prayed to my Abba, I felt good.
No food or water was in my system, and I had no pain.
However, right after I preached, I drank some water, and the pain returned. I was on a high and I didn’t want to come down, but I grew nervous and anxious, wondering why my body was [once again] revolting against me.
Didn’t my body remember all that we had been through in the last 12 years?
Didn’t my body remember that after a physical breakdown comes a mental breakdown?
Didn’t my body want to see me healed?
I sat with those questions all weekend long… as did my pain. This morning as I went in for an abdominal ultrasound, I felt confident that I would leave with answers. However, I am home and I do not have any answers yet.
God, what is going on with me?!?!
As I wrestled with this question all weekend, God led me to one clear answer:
There’s no going back to yesterday.
Wherever you are right now, I want you to stop what you are doing and indulge me for a second. Take about 2-3 minutes and physically go back to yesterday. Yes, you read that correctly; go back to yesterday. It was Resurrection Sunday and I’m so sure that there is a moment that you would like to relive so, go back.
How was the trip into yesterday? Was it successful for you?
Hmm, didn’t work out too well, did it?
There is no way to go back in the past physically yet so often we try to go back into the past emotionally and mentally.
Beloved, stop that, please. We cannot undo what has been done and we cannot go back to where we have been. The best that we can do is go forward with all of the knowledge of yesterday and faith of today.
That’s what God was telling me- both physically and emotionally- there was no going back to where I had once been. The places that God has delivered me from are places that I can never go again. The relationships and habits that God has delivered me from are aspects of my life that I can never indulge again. The past is there as a building block for today, but it has no place in my future.
Brave heart, as you venture out into whatever God has for you, please remember this, your past cannot come with you.
I love you so much and I want the best for you.