I truly thought I was in a better place than I had been last week. I know I shared one heartache with you and promised you the other so here it goes- I finally realized last weekend that my “just a friend” would only ever be just a friend and that realization broke my heart.
Go easy on him, it’s not his fault…
On Saturday night as I was finally winding down and preparing for bed, God spoke to my heart and gave me today’s #MondayMessage title. He said that although my heart had been broken (for two reasons), it was time to start collecting those pieces so that He could repair my heart. I sat in that truth and accepted His words to me. As someone who lives with depression, I desire to heal from all pain, never wanting to give any strength to negative or harmful thoughts. So when God said that He wanted to heal my heart, I leapt in excitement! Yet, I should have known that there would be a catch…
Within the first 30 mins of our first outing a few months ago, he clearly stated his reasons as to why he wanted to remain single and why he did not think he could be what I needed. He has never been untruthful or uncertain with me, yet I had… hope. My hope lasted far longer than it should have, leading me to the point where I honestly prayed for a different result. But, it wasn’t in God’s plan. Sidebar, God does not sit around granting wishes like some common genie. He is Lord and God of our lives- everything that He does has a greater plan and purpose. As this past week went on, I sat in my realizations and found some level of peace- or so I thought- until a text message from a colleague stirred up emotions in me that should not exist for a “friend.”
My colleague’s message came in about 20 minutes before I was due to stand in my church’s pulpit and serve as Worship Leader of our Sunday morning service. Somehow, I was supposed to stand up before our congregation and declare the wonders, beauty, and power of our God… while simultaneously wrestling with my own feelings of rejection and despair. Understand that my feelings were not directly related to my “friend”, but were instead rooted in the question of my colleague. I felt unseen and overlooked by my colleague… and rejected by men as a whole.
“Why am I still single?”
“I’m never going to have children.”
“God is not answering my heart’s deepest prayer!”
As I stood in the pulpit waiting for my cue to begin, I pushed deeper into God. I closed my eyes and ignored the people around me, choosing only to present with the Lord.
Empty me, Lord, and fill me with You. I am Your vessel; use me Lord.M.E.
I asked God to remove everything that would distract me from Him as I sat at His throne. I wanted to have room to receive all that God had for me, but first I needed Him to remove everything that was taking up space. When I felt ready, I nodded my head and said “Amen” as I stood in agreement with God. As service pressed on, I focused my heart on where my body was physically- in church. I pressed into God through song, I praised God with arms opened wide, and I worshiped God in spirit and in truth. Hear me, Beloved, the pain and feelings were still there, but I chose Worship over them all.
From the front row of the sanctuary, I sat in prayerful anticipation of what God’s Holy Spirit was going to do through my pastor. My heart was aching but I was trusting God, not because He ever promised that everything would be perfect, but because He promised it would all work for my good.
Between what the Holy Spirit spoke through me on Wednesday and what He spoke through my pastor yesterday, I have no doubt that God is good, even if my life doesn’t look the way that I want it to look. Married or nah, mother or not- God is still good and my life going just as He intended for it to go at this moment. Today I am collecting the pieces of my shattered heart and allowing the Master Potter to rebuild it the way He knows it should be. From there, I am trusting my heart in His hands, allowing Him alone to give it to the man that He has created for me. As I type this, I think of my piece from earlier this summer entitled, Horcruxes, and I remember one key part- in order for my husband to receive my heart from God, I must give my heart to God, allowing Him to make it what He needs it to be.
Well, here I am, Lord; collecting the pieces of my heart and giving it all to You.
Beloved, is that your prayer today? Are you asking God to heal your heart, but you haven’t yet surrendered it all to Him? Take this time right now to fully sit before God’s throne and give Him all that’s in you. Release the good and the undesired, trading it all for His peace and His goodness.
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