With each man that I had embraced, I had given away a small piece of me, continually fracturing the heart that was reserved for my husband. Soon, there would be nothing left for him…
May 9, 2019. I was in the bathroom getting ready for my evening shower and I felt so cold. I got up and cranked the heat and then turned on the shower so that steam from the shower could fill the bathroom, thereby making me warmer. It kind of worked, I felt a little bit of relief. I closed the bathroom door and stepped into the shower, allowing the scorching pelts of water to cleanse and soothe me in that moment. After a few minutes, something felt weird. I wobbled a bit and my head spun like never before. I sped up my nightly routine and hurried to turn off the water and exit the shower. Too late. My efforts to find balance were in vain and I yelled “mom” before falling to the floor in my naked, post-shower glory. I can only imagine her face as she rushed out of her room and saw me lying on the floor, unresponsive to her worried screams. When I finally did wake up, she and I were both unsure of what had happened and crying out to God for His healing.
Syncope. That’s the fancy medical term for fainting. After an expensive ambulance ride to the county hospital, the PA came in to tell me that I had experienced a syncope for reasons unknown. My blood pressure was slightly raised when the EMTs had checked it but still, no one knew why I had passed out. Several tests, hours, and thousands of dollars in uninsured hospital costs later, and I was headed home with the news of gallstones and a heart murmur. While neither of which had caused my syncope, both were discovered as a result. I clenched my Bible tighter, realizing that things could have been worse, but God had been faithful. Thank You, Lord.
My murmur was small- something slight- but I forever remember what that diagnosis said to a single woman in her 30s: your heart is different. My heart had the tiniest, little hole in it that caused it to beat just a little bit differently. Not enough to alarm anyone, but enough for it to be notated for the future. Move over, Amy- Google is now my bestie! I had to research everything on syncopes, gallstones, and heart murmurs. I had a Md from WebMd and it was time to put my hypochondria to work! (PAUSE- I do not really have a medical degree…) I needed to know what that all meant and how it would impact my life. I’m happy to say that only a mere three years and one removed gallbladder later, I now know what my heart murmur means… I was creating horcruxes of love.
The Harry Potter series was some of the best movies to come out in my lifetime. In my mind, I’m wholly British and the series just solidified my ability to drink a cuppa with the best of them. Witchcraft and wizardry aside, there was this one part of the series that I could never understand the first time I watched the movies- how Voldemort was able to live. Apparently, using dark magic, Voldemort had spliced his heart and placed it in several objects and the only way to kill him was to find and destroy each object that he had used to store a portion of his heart. Voldemort had created a horcrux… actually, he had created several horcruxes.
I get it. That was fiction and we are saved, sanctified Believers who could never see elements of Christianity presented in the metaphors and figurative language and works of art. Everything is demonic and there is no way that someone could take creative liberty and then we could use it to glean spiritual insight. [Insert sarcasm] Yeah, you’re right. And if that’s you, you may want to stop here. Beloved, I pray that I never get so “holy” that I can’t appreciate fiction for what it is- the vivid imagery of someone’s creative mind. And I pray the same for you.
Horcruxes, though not real, serve as a metaphor for my current love life. As I have met and shared time with men over the past few months, I now notice how I gave pieces of my heart away to them. In giving away pieces of my heart, I’ve created a way for no one man to break my heart… and also no way for my husband to find my whole heart hidden in the Lord. Ouch. There are many pieces of my heart floating around in the hands of miscellaneous men and very little, if anything, sits in the hands of my Abba, waiting patiently for my husband to acquire. Double ouch!
I laid in bed yesterday morning before church service, realizing that in my desire to love, I had spread myself too thin and that I was eliminating the beauty that should have been reserved for my future husband. You all know him well because I’ve spoken about him so much. Granted, I’ve never met this man in person, but God had revealed so much about him over the years. He is found in my previous writing (click here and here) and he is found in the deep recesses of my heart.. or what remains.
As I reflect on how I’ve given away my heart, I also have to find a way to get those horcruxes back so that my husband has something to obtain. I can imagine that he is sitting at God’s throne, waiting to be given something that is not wholly available to God or him at this moment. Get it together, Chelle! He’s waiting for me to finally decide that I’m tired of having boyfriends, friends with benefits, and entanglements- fully ready to commit myself to God and our prosperous marriage. When I close my eyes, I see my husband sitting next to God, wringing his hands in anticipation for the day when I finally rid myself of the men who aren’t him and aren’t supposed to follow me into this next chapter of my life.
He’s there, at God’s throne, waiting for me to allow God to heal my heart and give it to him in holy matrimony. He and I are both waiting for the restoration of love’s horcruxes.
Abba, I come to You today on behalf of the heart that is reading this message. Lord, I do not know them, but I pray for them today. I humbly ask that you would heal this heart and open his/her mind to Your ways. Allow this beautiful soul to see You in a new and fresh way. Father, I pray love and prosperity for this reader. I pray that if their heart is broken, that You would restore it to its original beauty. Lord, You are love and You created love for each of us. Please, send us that person that you created just for us. Remove all distractions and obstacles that are not of You so that we can commit to that which is of You. Lord, I pray love and life for every soul that reads this message. Be with them as only You can. I declare that every person who reads this will have a prosperous and fruitful kingdom marriage, in the name of Jesus. I declare that the enemy will have no victory in the life of this reader, in the name of Jesus. I believe that You are Lord and God and that You alone can do abundantly more than we can even think or pray. Have Your way, Lord. Heal, Lord. Mend, Lord. Repair, Lord. Be God in our lives! It is in Jesus’ name that I humbly pray, Amen.
Be healed, Beloved, and be blessed.