I will never forget the day. I was a student at Chinquapin Middle School in Baltimore, Maryland, and like every day after school, I came straight home and called my best friend on the phone. Yes, we had been attending the same school since 3rd grade, but since I caught the bus home and she got a ride home, and we were never in the same classes, we needed to catch up on our day after school via our evening phone call. Like me, my best friend was the youngest child, but unlike me, her brothers were closer to her in age and always around. Though they had known me for years and we even went to church together, I never thought that they were very fond of me. This particular day, my thoughts were confirmed horribly.

When I called her that afternoon, one of her older brothers answered. Realizing it was me, he removed the receiver from his ear and yelled to his sister, “Your annoying friend is on the phone!”

I never found out if he knew that I had heard him, but I had heard him. And after my best friend got on the phone, I cried a bit, taking in every syllable of her brother’s words about me. His words stung like a million daggers, and over two decades later, I have never forgotten the moment, the words, and how they made me feel. In a way, those words are still holding me hostage.

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Fast forward to today. While I do not think anyone has ever verbally called me annoying since that day, there are moments when I feel like people are harboring those thoughts but leave them unspoken.

• “She’s annoying!”
• “She’s asking for too much!”
• “She’s too clingy!”

Maybe it’s the ADHD, but I sense that people grow very tired of me, and I when I get that feeling, I pull back completely.

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The irony of being in this new Act of my life is that I get to further explore some of the very beliefs that I held for so many years in the past. However, this time I am delving deeper with the help of several therapists and for the purpose of healing.

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Today marks exactly one month since I moved in with King and, to be very honest, this month was far from perfect. From delayed furniture deliveries to familial issues to a major misalignment between King and me, this past month has presented me with ample moments for me to sit and ask myself some life-altering questions:

• Am I too much?
• Why didn’t/doesn’t my mother love me?
• How broken is “too broken to function?”

With each day that passed, the questions grew louder and louder, and by the end of the month, I just found myself sitting in silence, hoping that I could drown out those intrusive thoughts.

For far too long, rejection has been my companion in life, and it has altered how I behave in every aspect of my life. Oftentimes, before I even try, I quit, having already deemed that I am not worthy of more. I over-explain and apologize profusely, believing that I am occupying too much space and being too much of a burden to others. I bite my tongue often and passively agree with others because it’s easier and less conflictual than expressing my own thoughts or asking to be considered for something. In moments when I feel at my weakest, I fall to the floor and crawl into the smallest possible ball so that I can make myself “invisible” to others. If I pull away first, I cannot be hurt by someone else. Rejection cannot possibly find me if I am alone… yet even that is not true.

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Despite how the last month and the previous years of my life have been, I have hope for the future. With today being the first day of a new month, I am choosing to let God continue to heal me because I cannot live in brokenness anymore. Specifically, I am pulling on the words from yesterday’s sermon at church, and I am choosing to actively participate in this new phase of my life by doing the following:

• Elevating my effort
• Deepening my faith
• Changing my mindset

The funny part is that while those were the three points from my executive pastor’s sermon yesterday, the Holy Spirit allowed the word to sit differently within my spirit. The word served as confirmation that it was now time for me to hop out of the passenger seat of my life and take an active role in what is to come. For far too long, I yoked my happiness to the actions of others, and then when failure came, I alone navigated the throes of depression and disappointment. This time, God is calling me to act. And a major part of my action requires me to actively stand in who God says I am- placing God’s reality above my perception of rejection.

If God has not rejected me, then who or what on this earth actually can???

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Beloved, I will forever be grateful that you have chosen to travel on this healing journey with me, yet I must be honest, this next part may hurt a bit. We both have to understand that it can be very painful to attempt to discern reality from the perception of it that we have held on to for so long. Maybe you have believed that you are fat because you don’t look like the people on social media (well, guess what, they themselves don’t look like that all the time). Maybe you believe that because your parents divorced, you will never find and/or you are not worthy of a true and healthy relationship (God did not create us to be alone; there is someone out there for you… pray about it!). Or, maybe, you feel like if you don’t do the exact opposite of your parents, you are a failure in life (never compare yourself to others- you are doing your best!). Whatever your incorrect perception was, now is the time to correct your vision so that you can view the true reality.

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I saw this posted on social media, and I want to try it with you. Open up your calendar and scroll to a random Friday six months from now. On that day, schedule some time for you to “Celebrate Everything Working Out.” Do this in faith, because I truly believe that if we approach this new phase of our lives with elevated effort, deeper faith, and a changed mindset, we will have much to celebrate along the way.

Be blessed.