As I sat at my computer, I silently whispered, “how can I bring others to You?”
For the past six years I have been writing the words of my heart and the words that God has given me to share with other people. And for the past six years as I write, God continues to heal me and prepare me for whatever He has planned next. To be honest, at one point I desired for God to heal me and restore all that I had lost. Now, my heart knows that even God desires more than that for me.
What’s next is greater than what has ever been.
I distinctly remember being balled up on the carpeted floor of my apartment in 2016, eyes and clothing stained with tears, begging God to take the pain away. My boyfriend (and roommate) had just broken up with me and I was hurting so badly. It’s not that I wanted him to take me back, but it was that I did not want to hurt anymore. The pain that I was feeling was deeper than just the sting of our breakup, it was also the sting of 22 years of unresolved pain rearing its ugly head. I was still on antidepressants, my weight had ballooned and I was back in the 300s, and I had an unhealthy addiction to both food and alcohol. I was broken and I just couldn’t take all of that pain anymore. In fact, in hindsight, I am so glad that Greg (that is his name) broke up with me on September 25, 2016… because if he hadn’t, I probably would not be where I am now. Greg, thank you for loving me enough to set me free.
I cried hard when our relationship ended. We were three months into our one-year lease and I had no clue what the future would hold. I cried because although I loved him, I knew that I was too broken to be with him- he deserved so much more than I had to offer at that point. I cried because he was a wonderful man and I didn’t want to damage him for future women. I cried because if this relationship was over because of my mental health, then what would future relationships- if any- look like for me?
Even though the physical tears stopped after three days, my heart’s tears continued until January 2017. Sharing a home with someone that you once shared your heart with was a horrible way to spend the holiday season. There were certain aches that my heart felt that I never vocalized but would never wish on anyone. I do remember thinking through it all, “if I believed that he was so wonderful, how could there ever be ‘better’?”
Isn’t that what everyone says after a breakup? “God will send you someone better.” I heard it so many times that for a quick second, I forgot that I had been the problem in our relationship. I had heard that so often that I almost believed that he was just too immature for “someone like me.” Yet getting into that car accident in February 2017 humbled my heart in a way that I cannot even begin to explain. No, Greg was not perfect but I had been saying YES to everyone except God and He was ready to be in the forefront of my life.
In the 11 months that I lived in Virginia, I lost everything that I had prior to my move. I lost my sanity, my job, my man, my finances, my ability to eat meat/dairy, my ability and desire to drink, and my dependency on my antidepressants. I returned to my mother’s home broken but beyond ready for whatever God was going to do next in my life. I had no tangible or visible evidence that something desirable was on the horizon; I just had the knowledge that God had done it before and the faith that He would do it again.
“What’s next is greater than what has ever been.”
Even as everything was crashing around me, these were the words that my heart continued to hear and cherish. I was unemployed, single, in tremendous back pain, and broke- yet my spirit was so high. I remember throwing myself into my writing and my website, choosing to solely focus on telling others about God. I knew that from the outside looking in, my life didn’t look that remarkable, but God was in the process of doing a wonderful thing and all I had to do was trust Him.
As difficult as it was, I did.
I started from the very bottom of everything- professionally, personally, romantically, spiritually, financially- just trusting God to rebuild and restore my life. However, it wasn’t until I started writing this today that I realized that God did not “restore” my life. No, saints, God did not give me “double for my trouble.” No, God just blessed me, and blessed me indeed. God took my YES and shaped my whole life the way that He desired it to be.
Through a volunteer experience, He opened the door to the career that He had always planned for me.
Through sobriety, He allowed me to see the beauty of each moment that faces me.
Through the releasing of certain relationships, He allowed me to deepen my relationship with Him.
In my humanity, yes, I veered away from some of the things that God desired for my life. I tried so often to “help” God by doing things my way and praying that He would agree on the back end. Yet in His sovereignty, God used even those moments to work for His good.
Today I sit here as a woman fully certified in her life-changing career (a career that if you had told me 20 years ago I would be in, I would have laughed in your face), looking back at how God has blessed and grown me over the past 24 months. Nothing about my life is as it was back then- literally, even my address has changed. God has shown me without a doubt that if I would just trust Him and move according to His will, He will do all that He said He would do. Beloved, I’m not perfect. I am imperfect and flawed by nature. Yet, for some reason beyond my understanding, I am saved by grace.
God’s grace saved me from myself and the emotional hell that I was sitting in.
God’s grace allowed me to love myself and others enough to heal from the pains of my life.
God’s grace reached out to me in the pit of my despair.
There is something about God’s grace!
So, I asked God, “how can I bring others to You?” and He said, “write about My grace.”
Brave one, I may not know you by name, but my heart is forever linked to yours. As you read these blogs on a weekly basis, God continues to intertwine our hearts to one another through His heart. Whether you know it or not, we are forever connected and for that, I am eternally grateful. So if you are reading this today and you are struggling with anything, I would like to pray with and for you. Please feel free to email me (info@GodHappenedToME.com) and let’s connect some more. You are not alone; God has divinely connected us for a season and a reason. I love you so much.