… I’m sorry.
As I sat in service yesterday, I truly felt like a different woman. It was as though everything that I had been through in the week was suddenly silenced and all that I could hear was the preacher. I can’t remember the last time that I had felt like this but I also can’t remember the last time I truly allowed myself to worship God. Whatever the reason, I felt free and in that freedom, I was like an empty vessel, ready to receive whatever God had in store for me.
I sat. He poured.
I’ll summarize the sermon in five short words: I’m wounded, but I’m healing. Pastor shared the truth that I needed to hear about love and I soon realized that you- all of you- were not the issue… I was. You see, I was (and still am) a broken woman who looked for healing in everything and everyone except Christ. At some point and in some capacity, I looked to you to fill me, comfort me, and take away my pain. When you “failed” at doing this, I either intensified my demands or lost interest in you all together. For this, I am truly sorry.
I apologize, first, for elevating you to a role that was not yours to fill. Like me, you are human and therefore unable to heal my pains. Taking it to the Bible, Ephesians chapter six says, I wrestle not against earthly things or people, but against spirits and principalities. Friend, there is no way that you could have healed me with that and I shouldn’t have made you feel like you had to try.
Secondly, I apologize for shutting down on you. This may be a general letter to all of the men of my past, but the same story is true- I shut down when I don’t get my way. When I feel that what I believe to be reasonable is being left unheard or acknowledged, I verbally, mentally, and emotionally shut down. Simply put, I run. I would like to say that running is healthy (maybe the physical kind), but this running is avoidance and it solves no issues.
My greatest apology is for never giving you a true chance. Because I am wounded (yet, healing), I entered our season of dating with great baggage. Complications in tow, I expected you to be my friend, my companion, my partner, and my bellhop all at the same time. I expected you to take on way more than was reasonable, all while knowing that you would not be able to handle it all.
I wasn’t fair to you, friend, and I finally realized this yesterday. Before I could ever selflessly love you, I had to learn how to love myself, and in order to do that, I had to learn how to love God. You may or may not care, but I am finally learning how to love God and accept His love for me.
So that’s where I leave you today. I ask for your forgiveness and also solicit your prayers. I thank you for your kindness and for loving me in my brokenness. I thank you for trying and for your patience. Simply, I thank you.
To the men that I have dated- I am wounded, but I am healing.
A healing heart