It’s the “forever” part for me. That’s the part that scares me and sends me running frantically in the opposite direction. I have no clue what forever looks like and my finite mind cannot understand what the possibilities of “infinite” could even mean.
But, “every little girl dreams of her wedding day.”
I think I did, too. I think I really did have a dream of what I wanted my wedding day to look like. It was that typical childhood vision. You know, big princess-like dress with a super long train, flowers adorning every visible space (allergies, where???), food and cake for days, and music that plays well into the night. I truly wanted it all… but as I got older and my heart began to break, I strayed further away from thoughts of marriage and heavily considered becoming a celibate nun ( I mean, I look good in black…).
I am learning to sit with my thoughts to better understand why I feel the way that I do. Turns out, everything comes back to two main issues: 1. Every man in my life who was supposed to love me, has hurt me and, 2. Nothing lasts forever. As the years passed, my ideal wedding got smaller and smaller, with me decreasing the amount of people in attendance. To be honest, the number has decreased to the point where not even I am at the wedding anymore. My heart’s just not in that place anymore. Sorry, not sorry.
How does a 35-year old woman who has seen and experienced as much pain and heartbreak as I have, plan for a future with another person? I can barely push through my own life much less introducing another person into the mix. No one deserves to help me lug around the emotional bags that I carry. Yes, it would probably be easier to stop carrying said bags, but for me that is about as easy as venturing up to the top of Mount Everest.
On my 35th birthday weekend, my father sent me a long text message, once again detailing the sordid affairs (literally) of his life that just so happen to overlap the time when he was with my mother. This wasn’t the first time that he has shared more than my heart could process but this time I am struggling to heal and reach wholeness. As I think about marriage, I do know what God has written in His Word, but I also know what I have seen and what I’ve seen does not match what I have read.
Do you trust your eyes or your faith?
One of my favorite pieces that I’ve ever written is called “Gracefully Broken.” I wrote it back in May of 2019 and as I reread the words, I see that at one time, I did trust my faith and my God. What happened? Where did I go wrong? At what point did I stop believing that God would heal my broken heart and the wounds of my past? When did I stop feeling the beating of my husband’s heart and experiencing this man that I had never met before in an inexplicable way?
Oh, wait, I remember… It was when I stopped trusting God above all else. At some point, I stopped believing that God would remember little ol’ me. He had shown me a glimpse of the future and I foolishly thought He needed my help in creating that reality. In my creation, I threw His out of alignment and created an unnecessary detour that I’m desperately trying to navigate away from now.
The truth is, I believe in love. I believe in its healing and saving powers… mainly because I do believe in Jesus. And believing that Jesus died, was buried, and yet resurrected from the dead means that LOVE conquers all. Love conquers all and it heals all things. Love does not erase the hurt, pain, and scars, but it does act as a healing balm over it all.
To say today that marriage is not for me, is to say that God is a liar and that what He promised me in 2019 will not come to pass. Well, I’m not about the business of calling God a liar so I’ll try something else. It’s easier for me to run away from what scares me than it is for me to trust God because trust requires faith and faith is “the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).” I can see the scary thing right in front of my eyes but God’s plan, yeah, I can’t see its fruition right now. I can’t say that I will not experience another moment of fear or that I will never have a moment of doubt, but I can say that I must push both of those emotions to the side because, though they are real, they are not true. They are not based in concrete things and they go against everything that God has ever spoken over my life. I believe God and I believe that His word is true. So I will trust Him.
That big, lavish wedding that young Michelle dreamt of may not come to pass, but the ministry of marriage that God spoke over my life, will come in His appointed time. After all that God has done and promised me, I deserve to have faith over fear.
Be blessed, Beloved.
Thank you all so much for joining me on this journey through the “I deserve…” series. Some weeks were harder than others to write because I strayed from my Source of inspiration. I am so grateful for what God has shown me during this month and I pray that something shared has been a blessing to you. Today, as I lay this series to rest, I do not know if God will send another message, much less another series, but I will say today that I’m grateful and I am blessed. I heal with each keystroke and I thank God for His healing powers. As I think about writing, I invite you all to read the latest issue of FREED Magazine that will be released on October 8th. In that issue I share my third published piece on FREEDom and I pray it helps you. I love you, family.