I don’t know how to half-love.
Either I love you with all of my heart or I don’t.
I just love love.
Yet today I am, wishing that I had learned how to only give a portion of me to those around me. Ok, that is not entirely true, but I definitely wish this whole “loving others” thing was easier.
Unbeknownst to me, God had deemed this to be my busy season. Last week, this week, and next week are my busiest weeks of the year (k-12 school year and calendar year) and I have been struggling to keep my head above water. My life is busy at all times. I praise God because during this entire quarantine season, I have been gainfully employed and I have not gone without anything that I need. God has been good. Frankly, He has been better than good. Not many people can say that God blessed them with their destiny-fulfilling job during a whole pandemic. Yet not only I am blessed to be able to say that, I can also add that God provided for my continued education and then further blessed me by fulfilling my life’s purpose in the form of employment. Truly, I am beyond blessed! Yet even with this divine and perfect blessing, God is humbling me as I stroll through this season of busy.
Assignments are due in both classes.
Many changes are occurring at work/in my district’s school system.
I have been blessed with speaking opportunities at church that require preparation.
Bible study classes are in session and require reading, preparation, and consecration.
Holidays and celebrations keep coming non-stop, requiring time and finances.
Simply put, I have been busy… and the last thing that I needed was the added pressure of navigating my emotions and relationships with other people.
Me: “God, can I just live in isolation for a season?”
God: “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
Me: [emphatically] “Yes!”
God: “Ok, then.” [sends me into a wilderness season]
Yeah, that’s where we are now. I am in an emotional wilderness season and I’m struggling with the isolation… that I asked God to give me.
Back to love….
As I sit in my emotional wilderness season, I have “time” to reflect on the relationships that I have with people and I am able to evaluate who I was at its beginning, who I am currently, and who I want to be in the future. This is my very polite way of saying that I evaluate the fruit of my relationships and make adjustments as needed. Again, that’s my nice way of saying that I cut off relationships that are either volatile or one-sided. I always say that I end things for my mental health because “I don’t need that energy in my life” but the truth is, I end relationships because continuing them when the other person has hurt me, makes me extremely sad and depressed.
Full disclosure- I started this blog on Thursday when I was in an emotionally vulnerable place. I was reflecting on an important anniversary and I felt broken, unloved, and unseen. I was tired of giving my all to people who continued to break my spirits, neglect my need for love, and ignore me. No matter how tired of that I may be, I continue to hear God whispering to my heart about forgiveness. I fought that word adamantly yet as I fought, God’s whisper grew louder and stronger and my desire to ignore Him weakened, as my will to follow Him grew stronger. As I write this, I’m still a bit heartbroken, but God is healing me; I’m very grateful for His healing power.
Relationships- whether they be romantic, platonic, professional, or familial- are hard. They require a two-lane path of communication, constant work, and lots of prayer. They are wonderfully beautiful when they work, but disgustingly laborious when they are failing or not working at all.
Today, I pray success and fruitfulness in all relationships for you.
Beloved, I’m going to end today’s #MondayMessage here, wherever “here” may be. I don’t want to cross over into too much pain than God is healing right now and I want to encourage you right here. Wherever you are in terms of relationships, I pray that God continues to heal you and work through your healing with you. There is so much that I want to share with you and I would love to sit and chat with all of you, on an individual basis. However, COVID is still real and chosen anonymity is still a thing… so here we are. My heart is with you and so are my prayers. You are a beautiful healing vessel and I love this journey that we are on with God.