Oh boy; here we go again.
I rose at 6:37am on Saturday morning after having an unusual dream. In the dream I was pregnant (not that unusual… I’ve had those dreams before) but it was the paternity of the baby that caused the dream to be unusual. This person was not only a person from my past, but more specifically, a person that I had just released from my heart and mind. We were elated over the pregnancy and were anxiously awaiting the birth of our unborn child. Needless to say, but when I woke up I shouted to God, “what was that all about?!”; texted my best friend; and then fell on my knees in prayer. I needed answers- like ASAP- because that dream made no sense to me whatsoever!
As my morning of cleaning continued (eight loads of laundry; vacuuming, sweeping, and mopping the floors; cleaning the bathroom; cleaning the oven, etc.), I thought endlessly of the dream and then that’s when it happened- I thought of my husband.
Oh boy; here we go AGAIN!
I never grow tired of thinking about him, but, to be honest, there are moments when I grow impatient and I want him in my presence instead of in my thoughts. Saturday as I cleaned and worked in the house was one of those moments. I wanted to see him pop his head out from the bedroom wondering why I had the gospel music up so loud as I cleaned. I wanted him to ask if I really needed to use all of the bleach in the house to clean just one bathroom. (To which I would smile and simply reply, “yes,” because I really do use that much bleach.) My heart was longing for him to scoot out from behind my piles of clothes, brush my hair out of my face, and then kiss me on the lips before he ventured into the kitchen to cook breakfast for us both. And when none of that happened on Saturday morning, I grew frustrated.
On every level of my being I know that when a woman has dreams of being pregnant and she is not really pregnant, it is symbolic of something that will soon be birthed in her life. I get that, I really do. But as I sit and wait for God to fulfill His promises in my life, my body is like, “look Boo, you ain’t pregnant yet and we ready!!!!”
God, why show me the vision if You won’t immediately give me that reality?!-My heart…
“He is coming…” I whispered to my longing heart. I let out a sigh of frustration and then went back to my Cinderella cleaning.
In a moment of full transparency, as I sit a little more than two months shy of my 33rd birthday, every part of my body and being longs to be a wife and a mother. I see so many people around me enjoying both the joys of marriage and joys of parenthood and I desire them both, too. My heart rejoices for them while simultaneously longing for the same. I often think back to the moments of my past when both were close and seemed like a close reality… only for many years to pass and neither have come into fruition.
I’ve been engaged twice… but no marriage…
I’ve done what needed to be done to procreate… but no children…
If I’m being more honest and transparent, I’m so glad that none of those past close moments actually happened because they would not have been in line with the greater that God had in store for me. While the journey has been long and tiring, I’m grateful for the potholes and pitfalls that God, in His Sovereignty, allowed me to miss. Truthfully, I am not willing to trade a few moments (be they minutes, hours, months, or years) of pleasure for the eternity of promise that God has waiting for me.
Yet here I am having dreams about a reality that is not yet mine.
Oh boy; here we go again…
Beloved, let me stop right here to tell you that this post will not be a warm and fuzzy post that leads you to a life-altering scripture passage. This post will not have you walking away feeling strengthened in your own walk towards God’s promises. Oh, that I wish it were… but it’s not.
This post is just the honesty of my heart. This post is just a collage of thoughts, strung together to make sentences that try to eloquently and accurately say what my heart feels. This post is my heart… which should come as no surprise since this entire ministry is just my heart. In my humanness I just want all that God promised me and I want it now. I don’t want some kind-hearted, I-know-every-scripture-in-the-bible Christian to come up to me and recite Isaiah 40:31, Matthew 6:33, or Psalm 46:10 to me. I don’t want my pastor or the chair of the church’s singles’ ministry to try to comfort me and tell me to “just be patient because God is coming soon”. When I am feeling like this, all I want is to sit on my sofa and overindulge in something I know is not good for me, like ice cream or chips. I want to wallow. I want to be left alone. I want to talk to God with my tears.
So, no, this post is not like my other posts. This post is just my heart crying out to God, asking Him to remember me and the plans that He has for my life. This post is me being left alone to talk to God with my tears. This post is my tears. And though the tears sting both my eyes and my heart, I can see that light soon comes and that my longing will soon be answered.
As I recall the dream that awoke me on Saturday morning, I do believe that there is some truth within it: something is being birthed within me. I remember the “baby” within me causing my belly to light up with the most beautiful array of celestial colors. I remember the joy that filled my dream-heart as I thought of what was to come at the end of my pregnancy when my bundle of joy was birthed.
And that’s how I feel right now. I don’t know what God has in store for me and my future. On this Monday afternoon, I sit with so many professional and financial concerns and uncertainties… but I truly believe that there is beauty that will be birthed from it all. I believe with my whole heart that God is growing something so phenomenal within me that it will change my life and the lives of those around me. I believe that there is beauty waiting to be traded for the ashes that are in my life. I do believe that a beautiful garment of praise will be placed on me when I deliver whatever God is birthing in me. I believe this all so strongly that it wills me and sustains me, pushing me past the tears and the pains of today.
I stand securely in the faith that my God really will do what He said and that He can do exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever ask or think. I know this so surely because He has done this before. Even though my life is not perfect or what I intended for it to be, God has indeed brought me a mighty long way and I know that He plans on carrying me so much farther. With that in mind, I can just relax on the couch, kick up my legs, rub my stomach and say, “Oh boy; here we go again!”