Make Room

“You know, as I was driving down here, I could hear your voice in my head. You were yelling at me,” he said with a smile and a soft chuckle.

I sat there, mortified, that that was the memory that he had as he drove down the highway in Ashburn. No, he didn’t remember the good parts of our relationship or the trips that we took, he only remembered the yelling. My yelling. Well, I guess to be fair, we didn’t have very many good moments during our 11-month stay in Ashburn. The time was riddled with pain and, yeah, arguments. Whatever happy moments we had created during the first two years of our relationship had long dissipated by the time we moved in together back in June 2016. I sat at that table in emotional silence as I tried to recall what had led me to that moment.

“I find space for what I treasure…”

The words of Jonathan McReynolds’ song echoed loudly in my heart and mind. As I replayed the words to the song, a release like I had never felt before rushed over my body and I turned to my ex-boyfriend and continued with our conversation over lunch.

“Does [insert current girlfriend’s name] know that you are here?” I asked him.

“No, she doesn’t know right now but I will tell her when I talk to her later,” he replied.

“Oh,” I said, as I gave an all-too-knowing head nod. I remembered those moments where my jealousy allowed me to read too much into the whereabouts of my ex. But as I sat at the table, I listened to the song in my head and continued to do what I needed to do.

“I showed her the text that you sent me about releasing me,” he said.

I asked him, “And what did she say?”

“She didn’t really know what it meant but was glad it happened,” he responded.

“I find space for what I treasure…”

Truth was, I knew he didn’t fully understand that text, either. A few weeks prior I had sent him a lengthy message, telling him that I was releasing my emotional hold over him and then offered blessings to him and his girlfriend. Our relationship had ended almost three years ago but, on a deeper level than either one of us cared to admit, we were still connected. You can’t erase two years of love overnight and, while it does require time, it also requires an emotional release. Despite my best intentions, he had brought a lot of pain from our relationship into his current relationship. A lot of the things that I faulted him for are things he is currently faulting his girlfriend for. He was unnecessarily taking out his stress on her because that’s what I had done to him. She didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve that. And as I sat at that table, I listened intently as he spoke kindly of her and then I pulled deep into my heart and continued to release him.

“Truth is, you know from the moment that you meet someone whether you will marry them or not. You knew that you would marry her and you should. Don’t bring the disappointments and failures from our relationship into your relationship with her. She should not have to pay for the mistakes that I made. I was hurt and deeply broken when we were together. I was so toxic that I could not even see that I was toxic. You were there, in my toxicity, and I was unknowingly poisoning you. You didn’t deserve that.”

“You know how you just want to help someone that you love? That’s what I was trying to do. I wanted to do more and be more,” he said from his heart.

“I know… but I wasn’t ready. In my unresolved pain, I just continued to bleed on you, even though you did not cut me,” I gently spoke back.

Lunch bill paid and leftovers boxed up, my ex looked at me and asked, “Will I see you again?”

“No. I don’t think we need to see each other again. You have the woman that you love and that is all that you need. Marry her, build your life with her, commit yourself to her. We don’t need to see each other again,” I replied.

He nodded in understanding and then we departed and went our separate ways. As I left that restaurant, I could still hear Jonathan McReynolds playing in my mind. I knew exactly what had happened during my 45-minute lunch with my ex. We made room in our hearts for our spouses.

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End story… Begin Lesson

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These past four days have been a journey in making room in my heart. As I joyfully processed news from my best friend (that I will share in a later blog), the Holy Spirit continued to urge me to make room in my heart. All these thoughts of my husband have led me to realize that I must truly prepare myself for his arrival. But in order to do that, I must first release the people and beliefs from my life that take up the space intended for God and for my husband.

I realized that even in a platonic, bestfriend-ship with my bestie of 25 years, I never made room for my future. She and I are close. SOOOOOOOOO close. We are so close that we can literally feel the physical and emotional pains of the other. When one hurts, the other hurts. We are closer than blood could ever make us. And while we are both thankful for the Godly sisterhood that we have shared for 25 years, we recognize that we are so close that we have left no room for God, much less our soon-coming husbands. And as my heart began to realize that, it sang this song:

I find space for what I treasure
I make time for what I want
I choose my priorities and
Jesus you’re my number one
So I will make room for you
I will prepare for two
So you don’t feel that you
Can’t live here, please live in me
Live in me yeah
Please live in me God
I will make room for you
My will (you can move that over)
My way (you can move that over)
My ego (you can move that over)
My plans (you can move that over)
My schedule (you can move that over)
My itinerary (you can move that over)
See I, I will make room for you
My habits (you can move that over)
My attitude (you can move that over)
Whatever it is (you can move that over)
That’s not like you (you can move that over)
Whatever it is (you can move that over)
You can move it over (you can move that over)
Oh see I will make room yea
Whatever it is (you can move that over)
That’s in your way (you can move that over)
Whatever it is (you can move that over)
If it takes your space (you can move that over)
See whatever it is (you can move that over)
Oh I don’t want it there (you can move that over)
Oh see I will make room
I wanna seek you first (you can move that over)
Get the odd things out the way (you can move that over)
I wanna seek you first (you can move that over)
Move it all out the way (you can move that over)
See whatever it is (you can move that over)
Lord I just want you (you can move that over)
Oh so I will make room yea
See whatever it is (you can move that over)
You can move it all (you can move that over)
Please just move it all (you can move that over)
Help me move it all (you can move that over)
Jesus I (you can move that over)
I just want you know (you can move that over)
That I will make room
I find space for what I treasure
I make time for what I want
I choose my priorities and
Jesus you’re my number one

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Beloved, I don’t know about you but I am ready for the greater that God has promised me. What I am learning is that I cannot have my will and His will at the same time. Only one will prevail. Psalm 37:4 is correct when it says that God will give us the desires of our heart, but read the first part of the verse… that’s only after we delight in Him (follow His ways). We really must seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness and then everything else will be added to our lives. But what does that really mean? That means that we must pursue a genuine relationship with God above all other things. For in our pursuit of God, He will be found and His Holy Spirit will dwell in us forever. But we must continually seek Him- in prayer, in fellowship, in worship, in service to others- and He will never hide Himself from us.

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I’m sitting here typing this post, fighting back tears of praise, as a song by Tasha Cobbs Leonard plays in the background. I’m listening to her sing about how God knows my name and because of that, nothing can stand against me. She beautifully sings that God walks with me, talks with me, and tells me that I am His. Then she says that because of that, no fire can burn me, no giant can defeat me, no battle can turn me, no mountain can turn me, and I am walking in victory… because His power is within me.

Thank You, God, for Your power that is within me.

And because Your power is within me, I want You to be comfortable and feel at home. Hold on for a second, let me tidy up a bit and move some things around. Let me do a bit of dusting and take out the trash. With Your Holy Spirit I am cleaning up my heart and life for You. I find space for what I treasure and You are my number one priority. So God, for You, I will make room.

Be blessed. ❤️☺️