I can’t say that the last 11 days have been the worst days of my life, but I will say that I have had almost daily communication with at least one of my mental health professionals for these 11 days.
I am tired.
My entire body is not only feeling the weight of my life’s decisions, but it is also severely crumbling under said weight. My back and neck are tight and currently under chiropractic care; my acid reflux and heartburn are a constant reminder of the stress that seems to surround me right now; and I am experiencing traumatic responses to basic life events. I feel extremely overwhelmed right now.
But in addition to my own physical things, life has been life’ing around me:
- My sister was diagnosed with bladder cancer on the 17th
- A former colleague (who just retired in August) was murdered by his roommate on the 20th
- A student died by suicide on the 23rd
- King and I had the biggest communication breakdown of our four-year relationship this week (we are still healing)
After finding out about my sister, I cried profusely and cried myself to sleep for several nights. That was the start of my 11-day period of grief that led to this post. It’s my middle sister, meaning she is my mother’s middle child and literally the glue of our family. I went through every version of realities like Dr. Strange, and each reality brought about its own set of tears. I was filled with an overwhelming amount of equal parts guilt and regret, realizing that I could and should be a better sister to her. Unfortunately, in processing everything that is and will be with my sister (and going through my monthly cycle), I became overly emotional, causing King to bear the brunt of my feelings and misperceptions. My mind was so overstimulated that even just typing this is causing me to experience pain.
So, why am I sharing all of this today, especially if it is painful for me? Because pain often facilitates growth.
For the past year, I have been on an intentional healing journey, and now I have reached the point where I have to pause everything occurring around me to focus solely on me. And, to be honest, that is extremely difficult for me. A part of my very core being IS helping other people. It’s so ingrained in who I am that I feel broken and defective when I am unable to help others. My careers have all leaned towards providing services to others; my roles in church and leadership have all centered around service, and I am a member of a sorority focused on service (even though I am inactive right now). When Soror Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm said, “Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth,” I took her words to heart! I have spent my life giving and doing for others… but that service is slowly killing me.
When I exploded on King last week (that is an overly simplified version of what happened), I discovered that I live in a perpetual state of trauma, quickly transitioning between FLIGHT, FIGHT, FREEZE, and FAWN depending on how others interact with me. I am quick to be offended and even faster to feel attacked. It’s not that I am avoiding accountability, but that I am struggling greatly to navigate and regulate life occurring within me. The world is not literally out to get me, but so often that is what I perceive. And, to be very honest, that is extremely exhausting.
Everything came to a head on Wednesday night. King and I had reached the highest peak in our disconnection and were struggling to come back together. I was in desperate need of a hug, so I hopped in my car and called my mommy. God bless her, but she was outside in the wind and could barely hear the words that I was speaking through my tears. Her inability to hear me was infuriating, causing me to yell and become angry in the midst of my pain. She told me where she was, and I offered to drive to her. As I drove, I screamed so loudly that I even startled myself. I was in so much pain, and with that pain, a recurring thought came to the front of my mind.
“The world would be better off without me.”
Right there, I know every mental health professional just got very concerned for me. As I reiterated to my therapist, no, I am not actively suicidal, and I do not have a plan. What I do have is immense pain that continues to consume every element of my life. Funnily enough, the majority of the pain that I am experiencing comes from my desire to please people and the realization that I cannot do everything for everyone. I told King all of this and he was rightly concerned. He asked a fair question: how do I know that I will always reach out to someone when I feel this way? I had reached out this time, but would I always do that? Truthfully, I do not know… but I hope so. So, while I do not actually want to end my life, I do very much want to end my pain.
Yet the current presence of this pain tells me that healing is near…
One constant prayer of mine during September is that God would heal all that He reveals. To explain, God has shown me and my loved ones so many things this month. I am asking God to please heal everything that He is revealing so that we don’t stay exposed and in pain. Right now, there is a lot of trauma rising to the surface of my life (the rape, the abandonment, the poverty, the betrayals, etc.), and I am desperate for God to heal all of these traumas so that I can live in His peace.
I don’t want to stay broken. I want to be healed.
On one of the many days that I spoke to my therapists, one asked me a question that sent me down a rabbit hole. The question was simple enough, but it was rooted in the core understanding of one word- HAPPINESS. Prior to this week, I did not know what that word meant in relation to my life, and I definitely did not know how to pursue that in my life. After performing some research and having a long talk with the Lord, I was able to define the word, identify moments of happiness in my life, and clearly state what makes me happy. I am so thankful!!! And because I know that answer for me and my life, I desire for those around me to experience the same.
Today I am not coming with any major words of wisdom or inspiration. Instead, I am offering transformational transparency that I pray God will use to help others heal. I pray that this blesses you, and if it does, please share it with someone else. It is my prayer that we all know that we are not alone, we are loved, and we can do the hard things with God.
Be blessed.
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