Yesterday was a very special anniversary for me, as it marked one year since I began taking medication for my ADHD. Three hundred sixty-five days of unlearning, learning, and even relearning in my attempts to …live.

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I get it; I talk about my diagnosis A LOT, but you must know that it truly impacts my life A LOT. Between it impacting my thinking, my activities of daily living, my financial habits, my eating habits, and even my employment decisions, ADHD has had a major impact on my life, and it deserves a place in my blog’s healing journal. Each day on this medication improved my capacity to think, perform, engage with others, reduce stress, and adapt to changes in and around me. Most importantly, I discovered that my reception and processing of emotions was juvenile and inadequately paired to someone my age. Simply put, if I appeared to be childish or inappropriate for my age, it was because my mental age and my chronological age were not the same. The part of my mind that was charged with regulating my emotions was on the fritz, leaving me overly emotional, overly invested, and too quick to perceive rejection. As I look back at failed relationships of my past, I can see all too clearly how ADHD negatively influenced my behavior. Even when I was not aware, ADHD was shaping my life, and I had little to no say in the matter at all. Yet here I am, one year later, refusing to lose hope and continuing to press towards healing.

For me, this past year on medication is interconnected and deeply intertwined with my faith walk and relationship with God. I spent my entire life feeling like a failure of a Christian because I didn’t pray the way others did, I “performed” at the request of others, and I ran hot for a short while before eventually going cold. “Good” Christians didn’t behave that way, so, clearly, I was not in tight with Jesus. The expectations of others were seared into my brain, and when I missed them, I beat myself up miserably. What others saw as “falling out of love” with Christ was actually me no longer receiving a dopamine high from my performative activities. No longer did I thrive off of showing up early at service, staying later to talk to other members (because it’s the “Christian thing” to do), or attending every event (because the more you attend, the more you love God). Don’t get it twisted; I love God more now than I ever did. The difference is that now I love Him because of my own decision, not the forceful hand of others. When I finally decided to choose relationship over religion, I know that it rubbed others the wrong way. Stepping down from the ministerial team, stepping away from church committees, and stepping back from the belief that I needed to be in service every Sunday caused several (who will never admit it) to look at me differently and even reduce communication with me. Yet what they fail to see is that I’m tired. I’m tired of living up to the expectations, desires, and wishes of others. To be very honest, the medication did something that prayer alone was not able to do; it set me free from all of that. Unknowingly, when I prayed to God for healing, He was releasing me from the weight of performative guilt that had consumed me for all of my life. Truly, I am free.

The decision to take medication was not entered into lightly. I sought God, loved ones, and even ChatGPT before committing to a medication, partially because I am sober from alcohol, and partially because I had taken depression medication back in 2015/2016 and it failed me. I did not want a repeat of what had happened before; I did not want to end up worse than I was before starting the medicine. So, I prayed. I prayed and waited for God to speak, and when He did, I listened. I trusted God, and this medication journey has been nothing short of a healing journey. The medication has been successful in silencing the intrusive voices that crowded my head for all of my life, therefore giving me my life back. Once the voices were silenced, I could start thinking for myself… for the first time in forever.

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Beloved, this blog is not me saying that medication is the path for everyone, nor is it me saying that all neurodivergent people are the same. What this is is my testimony, my story of how God stepped in to save me. For me, the past year has been the lesson of healing and growth that I had been praying for for years. I thank God.

Instead, the purpose of today’s blog (like others before it) is to remind you that true healing cannot occur until we realize that there is a problem and we actively commit to making positive, progressive changes in our lives. I encourage you to step back and examine your own life and where you feel change is necessary, and begin, in faith, to make those changes.

Be blessed.

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I also want to take a moment to acknowledge how good God is. During my year of sharing my medication testimony, I have been contacted countless times by women my age who are navigating the confusing collision of ADHD and perimenopause. In case you didn’t know, for women who have ADHD (diagnosed or not), perimenopause amplifies EVERYTHING. Additionally, women with ADHD experience perimenopause up to ten years sooner than women without ADHD. I thank God for the insight that has been given to me during this journey, and it is my prayer that He continues to allow my testimony to help others.