As I sit and wait for the results of my breast biopsy, I can’t help but wonder two things:

If it’s negative, does that mean that my loved ones and I prayed really well for me? Did our prayers reach the highest levels of heaven and beckon the Lord to respond specifically and immediately to our requests? Was my faith truly strong, believing in a healing that only God knew was possible? Was my mother right when she said that I would be a part of the 80% of women whose biopsies were needed just to mark a benign nodule in the breast?

If it’s positive, does that mean I didn’t pray enough? Did the sins of my past catch up with me, and now I was paying for them with a cancer diagnosis? Had I truly grieved God so much that this was akin to a punishment that I would have to endure? Did my addictions of the past finally catch up with me? Should I not have stood in front of the microwaves while they were operating? Why must I always be the first person in my family to do something? Why would this be my cross to bear- hadn’t I endured enough in my almost 40 years?

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So many questions swirled through my mind yesterday morning as I dined alone for breakfast before going on a walk through Downtown Frederick. I couldn’t go to church. I did not want to look into the faces of so many well-intentioned people, asking if I had received my biopsy results yet… or even inquiring about my thumb since my last accident. While I do not feel depressed, I can readily admit that the anxiousness from waiting for the results lined up horribly with PMS and perimenopause, and I cannot mask my emotions or repeat myself right now. In fact, the longer I go on this ADHD medication, the more I realize just how much masking I used to do… and how much I no longer want to do that anymore. I did what was expected of me, smiled and socialized as though everything was okay in my life, and then came home to cry myself to sleep. I will not do that anymore. As such, I unapologetically take breaks from people so that I can refill my cup and be able to give 100% when the time necessitates all of me.

But I digress.

Patience has never been my strong suit. I never learned how to crawl. When I was a baby, I went straight from sitting to walking. If I did not have the patience to learn that valuable lesson, I don’t have the patience for much else. Waiting for these biopsy results has left me vulnerable to not only the impatience of my life, but also the thoughts that I shared earlier. And as I sat with my questions, God responded with His Word:

“And as Jesus passed by, He saw a man which was blind from his birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, ‘Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?’ Jesus answered, ‘Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.’” John 9:1-3

I remembered this scripture from my youth and from when God was beginning to heal me from my youth. Before this point, it was believed that a person’s disabilities meant that they or their parents had done something wrong and that God was “punishing” them. When the disciples saw this blind man, they rightfully asked Jesus to identify the sinner who had caused this man’s blindness. That is what they had been taught, so that is what seemed right to them- when one sins, physical infirmities befall them or their child. But Jesus said no.

Beloved, Jesus said, “No.”

Jesus’ response in verse 3 of that passage is what continues to give me hope each day. Jesus indicated that neither the man nor his parents had sinned, but instead his blindness occurred so that the works of God could be displayed through him. As I have written and shared before, there is a divine purpose for the pain that we endure in our lives. Not everything is a “punishment” for our behavior, and we cannot continue to believe that we serve a spiteful God. Now, hear me clearly: some things occur in our lives that are DIRECT results of our behavior. For example, if I am doing 95 mph in a 25 mph zone and I get a ticket, yeah, my behavior warranted that completely. But getting a cancer diagnosis does not mean that I didn’t pray hard enough, that I didn’t go to church enough, or that I didn’t love God enough. I choose to believe the words of the Lord; this all happens so that God gets the glory.

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Sweet friend, as you or a loved one navigate life’s circumstances, I humbly ask two favors of you: 1. Don’t lose faith in our God, and 2. Continue to worship Him. One day your worship may look like showing up in His house and fellowshipping with fellow Believers. Another day, worship may look like falling to your knees and communing with God through moans, groans, and tears. Just know that He hears and loves both options. And as you travel through that encounter, be sure to tell others about God. So often we keep our stories of God’s grace, providence, deliverance, mercy, forgiveness, and strength to ourselves, erroneously believing that no one else wants to hear about it, or that your story is not “enough.” Whew, the devil is a liar! Revelation 12:11 says that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and by the words of our testimony. What God does for you, Beloved, is not for you alone. Please share that testimony and let others be freed, too!

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In the words of my therapist (who is a Christian, but not a Christian therapist), “instead of asking ‘why me?’ ask, ‘why not me?’ and let God work.” Likewise, I will say this: instead of asking “who sinned?”, ask God, “how do You want me to share this?” Yet let me caution you: it takes A LOT- a strength greater than your own- to share any testimony. Often we share testimonies after we’ve come out the other side because we may be too raw to share it as we go through. Share how and when God instructs; just know that someone is waiting to hear your story so that they will know that they, too, will make it through their circumstance.

Be blessed.