And as I sat in that chapel, the Lord revealed the truth to me…

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One of the truths that I am facing in EMDR therapy is that my past has made a significant negative impact on my present-day life. Between the abandonment by my father and the damaging incidents by my brother, my past left me with little room, desire, or ability to trust people today truly. And despite my “best” efforts, attending church and believing in God for 32 years did not help me in that area either. In fact, I can clearly look back over the years and see moments when I let people in- widely and uncomfortably trusting them- and they still took advantage of me, mistreated me, and emotionally left me for dead. One could argue that I just had a bad picker and made poor choices (I won’t disagree with that), but I was also blinded by pain, fear, and ignorance… a deadly combination to have when it comes to navigating this world.

And as I sat in that chapel, the Lord revealed the truth to me- I was the problem, and I needed to change my ways. My heart had become so hardened as a result of trauma that it no longer allowed God to sweetly speak to it and swiftly move within it. Honestly, I carry way more hurt and pain than my therapists and King could ever know or imagine. Much of who I am today is rooted in the trauma of my past, so much so that I often don’t recognize it as a trauma reaction/adaptation. Yet as I discovered this week, God has not forgotten about me, and He is still healing my heart.

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“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” -Ezekiel 36: 26

This verse from Ezekiel was weighing heavily on my heart and mind this weekend. As part of a larger passage geared towards the Israelites, letting them know that restoration was still theirs in God, this verse spoke to me in my brokenness. To me, this verse was saying that I did not have to worry and I did not have to fear because the Lord, my God, would not only remove the calluses from my heart, but He would also put a new spirit within me.

Beloved, I do not know about you, but that is GREAT news to me!

Brokenness no longer has to be my portion.
Bitterness no longer has to dwell in my heart.
Unforgiveness no longer has to guide my life.

Because God said that He will give me a new heart, I can leave my past where it belongs and have hope for the future.

I am free.