Here’s what I know about rejection: it is as big a liar as fear is, and it is intent on keeping me bound by its lies.

Not today, Satan!

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It was around this time last year that I truly began to research and understand the full weight of my ADHD. In my discovery, I learned that many things that I thought were “normal” or typical for me were actually symptoms of ADHD, and that there was a better way to live.

My hyperfocus? ADHD.
My fire to start a new thing… but inability to finish it? ADHD.
My short attention span? ADHD.
My timeblindness? ADHD.
My warped perception of rejection? ADHD.

I spent the majority of my life thinking that I was a horrible friend and that the world was truly out to get me. Turns out, my neurodiversity, as gifted by Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), also comes with this less-than-beautiful addition known as Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). In me, RSD causes me to believe not only the worst about myself, but also about the people in my life. Thoughts of feeling unloved, forgotten, unseen, ignored, overlooked, etc., were all poisonous fruits of the tree of RSD. When I think back on all of the opportunities that I abandoned, jobs that I quit, and friendships that I abruptly ended, I become sick to my stomach. I legitimately thought people hated me and were treating me differently; I perceived rejection that wasn’t always there.

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For reasons that I did not know last month (but soon became aware of), God has me spending this month really looking at and learning more about rejection and its impact on my life. I will not gaslight myself by dismissing all perceived mistreatment as a result of my RSD, but I will say that there are several professional, familial, and personal relationships that I ended over the years that probably did not turn as sour as I thought they had… and probably could have been rejuvenated with some prayer and a little bit of work. But I was hot-tempered and short-sighted, fueled by a condition that I did not fully understand, and making decisions that would have a lasting impact on my life.

The worst part about rejection and RSD is that it causes me to doubt God’s Word. While I don’t mean that it literally has me thinking that what’s written in the Bible is a lie, RSD does cause me to think that God’s truth does not apply to me. Almost daily, I battle with a little voice in my head that tells me I am a failure and have made grave errors. Little mistakes that I make- that we all make- are exacerbated within my mind and cause me to feel like I am outside of the reach of God’s loving arms. Yes, I have read Romans 8:38-39 and can easily find it in the Bible, but when that voice gets to yapping, the scripture vanishes from my mind. There is a constant battle within me: warring sides of truth, both fighting for victory in my mind. On the one side, I know that 2 Timothy 1:7 is true, yet RSD allows doubt to creep in, and I end up paralyzed in fear.

It’s beyond exhausting!

This past week was the final straw for me, however. On Thursday, I noticed a cut on my lip that sent me down the most illogical spiral. Common sense and science both evaded me, and all that was left was the shell of a person cowering in fear. I irrationally and erratically sought medical attention while jumping to every possible negative conclusion that could exist. After many hours of worrying, I reached out to my sister-friend and asked her to pray for me. I told her the truth that I was waiting for test results and I was anxious, and she prayed for me immediately, even offering to call me and pray over me. When we got on the phone, she said two things that stood out to me then and now: 1. Wait with Thanksgiving (Philippians 4:6-7) and 2. Be still (Psalm 46:10). I clutched those words and continue to hold them close to my heart. Words that I had read and quoted so many times, yet in this moment, it was as though I was hearing them for the first time. Rejection and the doubt it brings have finally met their match because there is victory in God’s Word and in the name of Jesus.

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As I enter the summer months and my much-needed time away from work, I reflect on years past and how inconsistency often meant emotional dysregulation for me. Like some students in the classroom, I experience regression during the summer months because I no longer need to adhere to the strict schedule that I follow during the school year. However, this summer, because I want to see a different result, I am doing things differently. I am putting a heavy focus on my physical and mental health and choosing to spend more time with God. What I am noticing is that the more time that I spend alone with God, silenced and cut off from the rest of the world, the less I get distracted and the more I can disrupt the lies of rejection.

I may have ADHD, and RSD may be a factor, but they do not get the final say in how my life will go.

RSD ≠ M.E. … and it does not define you.

Be blessed.