I entered this world to be the salve that would heal the wounds of my mother and my father. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on a person… much less a child. Yet that’s what they did. They conceived and birthed me from the brokenness of their individual pasts and I was left to bear the brunt of the pain.
He was struggling to identify who he was and what he wanted to do.
She was lost and broken, desperately running from the secrets of her past.
I was supposed to be the bridge that connected them to the futures they desired.
I cannot stand it.
At 36 years old, I’m still drowning in the tears of their despair and, frankly, I’d prefer that they let me die.
Please don’t think that this is a suicidal post. It’s not at all.
Actually, it is an independence day post.
Back in December I declared that in order for a new life to begin, a death must occur. In order for countries to find independence, they must first put an end to the sovereign coverage that had them bound before. Death isn’t a bad thing; death is the beginning of a new life.
On January 6th, I had the opportunity to serve as a guest on the Dating to Marriage livestream with its wonderful host, Lady Dy. We chatted for two hours about my past and how I am able to find love since those horrific events. While on the stream, I mentioned my new reality- I do not desire to have children. I know, that’s weird to see from someone like me, someone who loves children more than I love the air that I breathe. Yet that’s where my heart rests at this particular moment. My desire to not have children stems from the fact that my family is so broken and I would rather spend a lifetime alone than to ever birth a child into these broken familial genes.
Healing never happened in my family.
No one ever took the time to identify and address the issues that sat before them.
Instead, they brush these problems under a rug and continue to pass on pain… and then wonder why we are all still suffering.
You know what happens when you birth things in brokenness?
The newness is forever tainted by the brokenness of the original… unless healing is unapologetically sought and found.
I don’t desire brokenness for anyone.
Yes, I am doing my part by healing and distancing myself as much as possible… but, as my family has yet to learn, you cannot outrun your past.
The best that I can do is heal. I can heal for me and then continue to help others learn how to heal. I can heal so that the generations that come after me- you know, my nieces and their children- have a brave space to grow and be their unique selves.
You see, while I may have been birthed in brokenness… everything that I do will be done from a place of healing.
I will serve my God from a healed place.
I will love my family from a healed place.
I will unapologetically love M.E. from a healed place.
I will extend grace to those I encounter from a healed place.
I will utter intercessory prayers for others from a healed place.
Beloved, I was birthed from the brokenness of my parents’ broken and disheveled hearts. Yet from that brokenness, healing was found and from that healing, comes the beauty that my heart longs to share.
Heal, Beloved; by all means necessary- heal.