If everyone around you is bleeding, there comes a point when you must realize that you were the one who cut them.
It can’t be a coincidence that every relationship of mine- whether it be familial, platonic, or romantic- has failed after some time. What once started off so harmoniously well, eventually fizzled out in an off-key crashing of clanging cymbals. The love that once flowed so well between me and others, dried faster than an ounce of water in the Sahara Desert. Relationships come to me and die a painful, unremarkable death and it doesn’t take a math genius to see that I am the common denominator; I am the problem.
Ever since my childhood, my words have been more dangerous than my actions. True story, I have never been in a physical fight in my life… but my words have wounded more than the deadliest wars in history. The old saying that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” was uttered by someone who had never caught me in a verbal altercation with me. I was vicious. Or, I guess I should say, I am vicious. The profanity may be gone, but apparently the sting of my words still emits pain on unsuspecting loved ones who are just trying to live their best lives.
The damage of my words is beyond repair. The relationships ruined over the years because of my hot temper and chilling words cannot be quantified. Truly, I have not been living the life that one should when they claim to be a Christian.
But- what if- greater than the title of Christian, that person is wearing the title of BROKEN? Yes, I am a Christian, but I am also extremely broken and it wasn’t until recently that I realized just how prominently that title sits on the résumé of my life.
Understand, this is not a post about sadness or despair. This is a post about realization and forgiveness. I have a nasty habit of running from everything that scares me. Everything and everyone that scares me, I run. My fight or flight response has been stuck in flight mode for so long that I have permanent residency on the tarmac of life. I have to avoid the pain that I believe awaits me and because of that, I push people away and I run. But I’m tired of running. I am so tired of hurting other people. I am so tired of not facing my feelings in the moment.
Like I said, this is a piece of forgiveness… and that forgiveness starts with me forgiving M.E.
I tried to rush into so many relationships, so sad about lost loves of my past that I was just further damaging any relationships that could have blossomed in the future. I don’t want to do that anymore so I have to let go. Let go of the pains of my past, forgive others for “wrongs” that I thought I had encountered, and forgive myself for not being braver and more ready for the adventures of life.
So here I am Beloved, asking for forgiveness from you. I’m asking you to forgive me for being here for the past 5 years, unintentionally cutting you with any harshness of my words or sharp edges from my broken pieces. Although I have never claimed to be perfect, it is still my responsibility to seek healing and speak from a place of wholeness. I talk about so much that even I have gotten lost in my words. I’m sorry that I was not better for you.
Today is the last Monday in August and next week is a special anniversary that I cannot wait to share with you. I am sitting in a SHIFT season where I fully recognize that God is doing some mighty works in my life. I cannot explain what’s about to happen because I honestly have no clue. But what I do know is this, what’s next for me exists just beyond my fears and frustrations… and it starts with forgiveness.
PS- as I wrote the last sentence of this blog, I recalled my sermon from Good Friday and I invite you to watch it here (it starts at 27:50).