I wish I had something to say…

I wish I had something to say…

I wish I had something to say but yesterday was an emotional hell day and my heart’s tears had drowned out the clack of my keyboard and I was speechless.
I didn’t know how to handle the news of what should have been a joyous moment, instead my heart chose to wallow in its own fears and pains.
I spent the entire day alone, desiring no companionship as I sifted through the weight of the burdens my heart chose to bear.

I wish I had something to say but I’m exhausted from trying to be the person that everyone thinks I should be.
Doting daughter, devoted teacher, devout spiritual leader- the expectations of others suffocating my very being and leaving me without a voice and without my own legs to stand on.
I cannot pursue my own dreams while trying to live up to the beliefs of others at the same time.

I wish I had something to say but it’s 1am and I should be asleep, preparing for the avoidance that I will practice later in the day.
Healthy relationships with food, sleep, men, and my family were a thing of the past this summer and as my break comes to an end, I am fighting hard to avoid the pending reality.
Of all of the paused realities, I’m looking to avoid my emotions the most; they have a mind of their own and I’m tired of playing top-flight security to emotions that want to rule over me.

I wish I had something to say but the Lord knows my heart.
He knows the struggles that I face and He can hear me even in my silence.
I’m sure He would prefer to hear my voice, but I’m hurting so my moans will have to suffice.

I wish I had something to say but I’m coming to grips with the current stage of my life, finally realizing that God withheld for reasons beyond what I can see.
Even though I know what Romans 8:28 says, I cannot help but wonder if my life would be better with me as a wife and mother.
Here God, let me just test drive this for a bit…

I wish I had something to say… well, actually, I do.
You see, no matter what I may be going through, I still have a praise in my lament and a testimony in my test.
Life is not perfect, but God is and my life is still worth living.

I wish I had something to say but as I think about how God brought me through my trials, all I can do is shout!
You know what I’ve shared but you do not know it all, for if you did, you’d shout with me.
Amen, hallelujah; I thank God for saving me!

I wish I had something to say to inspire you on your journey today.
Something uplifting that will energize you in the days to come…
Instead, I just have my truth and prayers that it is enough.

I wish I had something to say but instead, I have something to share.
You see, I know that you have been going through some storms, facing difficulties moment after moment…
I know things have been too much to bear and that you have wanted to quit one or all areas of your life…
I see your pain and while I may not know it personally, I know that it can be debilitating…
This is for you…
This is for you to know that you are not alone and that someone genuinely cares about you.
You are seen!
You are heard!
You are valued!
You are loved!

I wish I had something to say but instead, I will just love on you.
I will pray for you and we will trust God together.
We will see the victory in Christ Jesus and we will overcome!

I wish I had something to say…
Actually, I do…
Be blessed.

3 Replies to “I wish I had something to say…”

  1. Well….whew, what do you say after someone has nothing to say. Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord. I know (now) you are also one person (you know the other) that I was supposed to tell this… people pleasing is a very deceitful trick of the enemy. Living up to the expectations of others is a traditional honor bestowed upon people because of their titles, mother, father, sister, brother, christian, boss, boyfriend, husband, child….the list is endless. However, we must know that the ONLY person worthy of the total honor of “pleasing” is the breath giver — GOD! The cares of this world choke out the word and you we end up sowing in places that God never intended. The first ground to sow is your own. Make it fertile, cultivate it, root up everything not please to God and enjoy the “fruits (of the Spirit)” of your labor. Leave other’s needy emotional world driven desires to God and keep your heart pure. There’s not want with God and there is no need he can’t provide. Live as if you are the only one walking in the cool of the garden and let God recognize you are “lonely” and your mate is in need of you. Otherwise, for real — love on God and turn off the world. Difficult to do but truly rewarding. Now, I am not talking like I have done all of this — STILL working out my salvation with fear and trembling. I am learning that this has been my problem for decades!! But now, I just let people think what they want, if I correct them, they may be impressed to put another burden on me. NOT!! I have come to realize that the only judge of my character is the God you showed what sin is because otherwise, I would not know. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak and I am determined not to make excuses for my flesh, I am just going to try and walk (sometime blindly) in the Spirit of God until I am like Enoch — and am no more! Yes, people may see me, but to them, I am truly a dead woman walking. That is my goal… Just wanted to encourage you. It is never what you have, look or feel like — it is what you are — A Child of the Most High God!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I love you too! We are fearfully and wonderfully made! Working out our salvation with fear and trembling — I love that about you!! Transparency — is like being without spot or wrinkle.

        Liked by 1 person

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