She came to my room on this day, like every other day, but this time her eyes swelled, on the verge of releasing a flood of tears. She confessed that she had feelings for this young man but that he had a “main girl” and she wasn’t it. Many personal, intimate matters fueled the tears in her eyes and, not having any words to offer, I just held her in my arms and let her cry.
DISCLAIMER- if you are not ready to have a discussion about gender and sex, as the Bible defined, I invite you to read any of my other posts because this one may not be for you. I love you, but I’m just saying…
I had no say in my first two sexual partners. We all know how the “first one” came about, but few know that the second was also an act of coercion and force. I felt as though I had no choice and had to do what I was told and, in many ways, I feel that encounter scarred me more than the first. From that moment, it was as though I had no say in who I would engage in sexual encounters with and that I must always do what other people wanted me to do.
My feelings didn’t matter; his feelings always matter more. It didn’t matter who the “his” was, his feelings just mattered more than my own.
I look back on my high school and college years and I cringe as I think about the things that I did because it seemed to please some man at the time. Was I really that broken? Was I really that naive? Why did I think that I had to do these things? Why did I think that it was necessary to be physical with a man in order to keep him in my life?
Because that’s what I was taught at too young of an age. I truly believed that the only way to get a man to stay was to engage in acts that I continued to hear about everyone else doing. It was normal, right? It was totally normal to have those desires and urges and, if a man was willing to help me meet my needs, then I should do it, right? Wrong. I gave away way too much of myself in those days and I remember feeling exactly as my student felt on that day- good enough for the lay, but not good enough for the stay.
Fast forward to today. I’m sitting in my bed, 120 mins past my bedtime, low-key wondering why God waited until NOW to place this message in my heart. I mean, I get it, but I’m sleepy, too! I digress; this message is for OUR healing…
Earlier this week I was talking to my besties because we were all exhausted. Not the physical type of exhaustion that we should be feeling due to our busy schedules, but instead the emotional exhaustion that comes from being 35/36 and single. We are an anomaly; exceptions to the rule- we are this age and we have no children and no marriages under our belts. Some of our peers are in their 2nd or 3rd marriage, expecting their 3rd or 4th child, and we are here with our faith, waiting for God to increase on our behalf. Our journeys have been different yet divinely intertwined and as we sat on the phone that evening, we realized that “dating” isn’t at all what it’s cracked up to be. Imagine that, three beautiful, master-level educated women bonding over the shallowness- literally and figuratively- of the dating pool…
Social Media Version: Meet a man. He shows interest. Go on a beautiful date. Communicate effectively. Go on additional dates.
Reality: Meet a man. He shows interest. He never invites you out but invites you over to his house to chill. Leaves you on “read” when he realizes that sex is not coming anytime soon. Says that he is “not good enough” for you.
The sad reality is, men are so accustomed to getting sex and sexual favors from women that they no longer know how to appreciate a woman when she is willing and able to offer MORE THAN SEX.
Let me pause right here to say a few things:
- I have struggled with finding my beauty and now that I have, I wear it proudly. I dress for me and my likes, not the likes or approval of others.
- Not ALL men are like this however, it seems like at our age, we run into more men who ARE like this, than those who are NOT.
- Sex is a BEAUTIFUL thing, created by God, and made for those who are tied in the bonds of marriage.
Truly, what happened to the days when men would court women for a season and either move onto another or prove his intentions to the one? What happened to the days when men would honor a woman’s dignity by not even trying to get too fresh with her as he dated her? What happened to the days when men would ask permission to pursue a woman? I realize that I’m probably setting the feminism movement back a few decades however, I sincerely believe that there was a level of beauty and simplicity that came with the dating ways of old.
Since those days seem to be gone, daily I sit at a table for one as I wait for someone to appreciate the meal that I have to offer. I recognize that I may be a bit more than some are used to having, but that does not diminish the value of my meal. The Master Chef has prepared a fine dining experience and I believe that the right man will appreciate the labor of the Lord’s hands. And when this man arrives, he will not try to make the meal a snack, rushing or trying to skip to the “good” parts. Instead, he will dine sufficiently on the meal before him, taking endless moments to savor the flavor of God’s masterpiece. He will selfishly indulge, not wanting to share his meal with another, but he will also be overwhelmingly full, not wanting to eat the meal of another…
Sweet friend, with all that is in me, I believe that our day is coming. Maybe this has been your prayer petition for a season and you are still waiting to hear God’s confirming word. Well, this is it! Your day is coming and the one meant to dine at your table is coming soon. Continue to hold fast to your faith and believe God, even in the areas that you cannot yet see. And while you wait, continue to grow; serve the Lord unyieldingly; and let God do what He does best. He sees your worth and He knows your value. He will send that partner to you who truly understands that when it comes to love, marriage, and all things God, we are so much more than sex…