I finally sat down and watched the new Netflix series entitled, The Maid. Watching in the month of October (which is Domestic Violence Awareness month) made the show even more poignant and touching to me. If you haven’t seen it (and you are ok with profanity), I encourage you to watch it. Ten, 45mins episodes, but it is totally worth the watch. SLIGHT SPOILER ALERTS TO FOLLOW.
As I watched each episode, I found myself relating so greatly to the main character. While never physically abused, she suffered years of emotional abuse from both her parents and her now, ex-boyfriend/daughter’s father. She sought and received assistance throughout the series, but most help was too late to reverse the emotional damage that had been caused. And that’s where I find myself today.
Four years into this healing journey and I am still seeing that I have so much healing to do.
To be honest, I don’t think I know what a healthy relationship looks like. I think I’ve seen it before but misunderstood it for too much control and submission. I saw my pastors and other church leaders love on their wives, and thought that that was “too much” for me and that someone as broken as me could never live that life. As I look at the relationships (or lack thereof) that I have with my parents, family members, and other loved ones, I am slowly realizing that years of brokenness and pain sparked what appears to be irreversible damage. Simply put: hurt people, hurt people. Sincerely, am praying for the day when I can confidently say, “healed people, heal people.”
From where I sit today, I have decided that I am ok with removing people who continue to hurt me or do not contribute to my healing- regardless of their relation to me. It may go against what others believe, but MY sanity is not up for debate or bargaining. To be honest, it has always amazed me that people have the strength to walk away from abusive partners or one-sided friendships, but will continue to be abused, overlooked, and used by family members. I promise that I do not say that from a place of judgment, but from a sincere place of confusion. Beloved, abuse is abuse, no matter who originated it.
After a weekend of rest and relaxation, I can now see things a bit more clearly. We were made for love. We were made to be with others. We were made to be loved. If this were not so, then God could have stopped with Adam. Instead, He created Eve because He believed that it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18) and that man needed a Ezer- a helpmeet- to carry out His plans for this world. We know that LOVE was a core piece of our creation because God is love and He created us. No matter how empty we may feel, we can rest in the fact that we were created by our Abba in, by, with, and for love.
“But now faith, hope, and love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”1 Corinthians 13:13
I think when I started writing this piece, I was writing from a place of pain. I was frustrated with the fact that my voice goes unheard by the people who claim to love me the most and I just wanted an opportunity to truly speak out. For so many years, my blog has been a venue for me to shout as loudly as I chose… but today I need more. Today I need to do more than just scream; I need to cry out with a purpose. All of the emotions that run wild within me on any given day, are all colliding now, fighting for a chance to come to the surface and make themselves known. But each day, I will choose love as the emotion that guides me.
Love for God.
Love for others.
Love for M.E.