“Yet here I lay at Your altar, desiring to be altered.”
That’s all I could think as I sat by myself on Saturday morning. God is in the middle of making some changes in my life and I am finally getting used to the alone time that God has given me. I sat there and I just cried with my heart as I asked God to continue working within me… no matter the cost.
Have you ever had a moment where you wanted God to make some changes in your life but you did not want Him to make any changes in your life? ‘Cause, friend, that’s where I am today. I started on this journey with God back in 2017 and to this day, I am still kicking and screaming, praying that He doesn’t have to change me in order to change me. But I really want Him to change me, though.
Close your eyes with me, Beloved…
It is a beautiful, sunny afternoon, and you are donned in your best attire. You are clothed in the best fragrances and your hair is styled to perfection. As you admire your reflection in a mirror, you hear the bells tolling, telling you that it is time for you to begin your journey. You secure your shoes, grab your flowers, and start walking towards the sound of the clanging bells.
As you get closer, you hear the silent cheers of excitement from those who have surrounded you in love. You offer a gentle smile in their direction, never taking your eyes off of the prize that awaits you a few feet ahead. Your walk- initially hesitant- is now confident and your head is perched upright. Your heart is smiling from side to side as your eyes fixate on the beauty that is in front of you.
Fragrant flowers in your favorite colors adorn fixtures all around you and the water beyond offers a cool breeze off its blue serenity. As far as sights go, this is perfect; nothing has ever been this breathtaking before and nothing will ever compare to it in the future.
At the toll of the last bell, you arrive at your designated spot and you gently fall to your knees. You bow down completely; underneath you is the altar that you have been walking towards and atop the altar is your Bridegroom. He has been waiting and preparing you for this moment and now the time has finally come. You kneel to Him, in reverence of who He is and what is to take place, and He extends His hand to welcome you to His side.
After uttering a silent prayer, you lift your head to your Bridegroom. As you prepare to take His hand, something- almost like an invisible force- stops you from being able to grab hold of Him. You stand to your feet and continue to try as His hand is still extended, but try as you might, you still aren’t able to touch His hands. Although growing flustered inside, you maintain a calm demeanor as you try to hold His hand. After a few more unsuccessful tries, you finally ask Him why and He says, “a change must occur.”
Disheartened, you fall back to your knees and replay the day’s events. Had you done something wrong? Did you make some mistake that you can’t quite see? What happened?
You process for a bit as you remember the words of Psalm 51:10. Determined, you look back up to your Bridegroom and softly say, “alter me on Your altar.”