I. Am. Free.

For the past few days, I have been focusing on surrendering and releasing things to God. Everything from my joyous feelings for my boyfriend and the love that we share, to my feelings of isolation and inadequacy at my current place of employment. I have been trying to give everything back to God because carrying those feelings- whether good or bad- is not good for me.

I know it sounds weird to say that it is not good to hold onto good feelings but just hear me out. When we hold onto the current good, we tend to not allow room for the “more good” or “better good” that God has planned. God wants to bless us in ways that we can’t even begin to imagine… if we would just surrender every single thing- good or bad- to Him.

And that is what I’m learning to do.

To me, surrendering to God is like standing atop a 20-ft cliff, surrounded by nothing but the fresh mountain air- blue skies above and blue waters below- trusting that my fall will be cushioned by the waters beneath me. I mean, the waters will catch and keep me, but that doesn’t negate the initial trepidation that comes with free-falling from high points in the air. For me, I desire to take the calculated plunge and just waft through the air as I anxiously wait for water- I mean, God- to catch me. This place in between… It can be a marvelous place if I let it be. It can be exhilarating and educational if I just take the time to trust the process and let go.

Going, going, gone!

To be honest, the only thing that is gone is my desire to stand up right now. On this perched top I have too many choices. Do I go back the way that I came, back towards familiarity but also overwhelming discontent? Do I advance forward towards the unknown and the implicit fear that comes with it? Or do I continue to sit here and be complacent, choosing to be numb instead of feeling anything? In jumping- though scary it may be- my only option is to just trust. I’m not a bird so I don’t have to flap my wings; I’m fully aware of the fact that only the unknown awaits me and what I must do once there… I must wholly trust God.

There is no need for fear; there is only a need to go.

As I write this, I am sitting atop that cliff with my legs dangling off the side. I feel the breeze of the air whipping through my unpolished toes and I wrestle with one thought: what does it mean to surrender? What does it truly mean to actively decide to stand up to my fears and boldly declare, “I am victorious in Christ! (Romans 8:37)”? What does it mean to cast aside my desire to be in control of everything at all times? What does my life look like when I relinquish control back to my Lord God Who created me? What does it look like to just be?

As I stand to my feet, I brush off the dirt of rejection, shame, and depression; arch my back just so, allowing my body to stand tall and proud; gather my arms and raise them towards my Abba; inhale freedom and exhale bondage… and then I surrender my all…

I. Am. Free.