A book to read…

There should be some type of manual for people who survived rape. We need guidance on how to date and navigate our lives post-discovery. Obviously there is no one way for healing but some days I just feel so overwhelmed.

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One of the things that I am currently unpacking is “why do I avail myself to be used?” And, no, I am not talking about being used for God’s service. I am talking about used by men. I am deeply unpacking what happened with this young gentleman and all I see is weeks of stupidity and naivety because he texted sweet words my way. I threw away all semblance of common sense and threw away years of progress for fleeting moments of pleasure… and, no, I’m not talking about intercourse, I am talking about passion and intimacy.

I’m “smart” enough to know not to welcome the spirit of another man into me through intercourse, but foolish enough to drop my guard and allow him to enter my vulnerable place. He was a smooth talker and spoke game far more advanced than his years… and I fell for it- hook, line, and sinker. Actually, I take that back. My body heard what it wanted to hear, caved under temptation of the flesh, and left my mind to pick up the shattered and scattered pieces of a situationship exploded.

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Yes, someone should definitely write a definitely write a book on how to date post-rape.

It should highlight how to hone in on when a man is just thinking of himself versus when he is genuinely interested in the woman behind the scars. Then there should be some kind of addendum for men, allowing them to know that a scarred woman needs to be treated like the delicate flower that she is. Yes! She would learn how to discern truth from lies and he would learn how to love a healing woman. I am a woman with so much love to give… yet I am also healing and still- at 33- learning who is worthy of my love.

I get it- I have insecurities. But wouldn’t you if you were in my shoes? You see, the men of my past- those who were supposed to love me the most- hurt me the greatest and I heal from that pain daily. Every day I fight to remind myself that I am worthy of love and that just because one person hurt me in the past, that does not mean that the next man will also. Every day I look in the mirror and remind myself that I am worthy of love… because God says I am.

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So maybe I will write that book.

Maybe I will tell other survivors that grief comes in waves but healing comes to those who endure. Maybe I will write that book and tell the world that love didn’t happen to me, life didn’t happen to me, but instead God Happened to Me.

Yeah, that would be a book to read…