Visits with Mommy…

I decided to stay with mommy in Frederick this Holy Week weekend. Today’s Saturday and it’s a quarter past noon. Mommy is in the lounge chair sleeping and I just finished reading a book and breaking my morning fast. As I walk around her home and look at how she cherishes and cares for her tangible possessions, I am reminded of how much my mom loves. It is in her very nature to care for things and protect them. She’s the type of woman who re-wraps every shoe, dress, and purse after she wears them. And that’s exactly how she is with those that she loves. She wraps them up to preserve them and keep them safe. I absolutely love this about her…but it is also why I want to live anywhere but with her.

I am in tears as I write this. I can understand how this may sound ungrateful and borderline sinful but that is far from the truth. All of my life, whenever something got too hard, I ran back to my mom. Whenever a boy broke my heart or I failed a test or failed at something, I ran back to her. And much like the father in the prodigal son story, she accepted me back with open arms. But there lies the two problems: 1. I ran to her, not God and 2. She would take me back, without encouraging me to try again. My mom has always been comfortable with me trying anything as long as it didn’t take me away from her close proximity. She literally wanted me near. I could be a CEO of an international organization as long as I still lived with her. She can’t help who she is. She’s Jamaican and loves with her whole heart…and I love her for it. Secondly, whenever I failed and came back to my mother, I babied myself into thinking that I was not strong enough to succeed with God alone. The scriptures are endless that speak of one’s ability to survive when coupled with God. David plus God defeated Goliath. Samson plus God brought down a building. Moses plus God softened the heart of Pharaoh. But what if one of them had run home to mommy when faced with obstacles instead of standing with God and becoming victorious? I love my mom with my entire heart, but when I’m with her, I don’t need or desire to be an adult. And that is not healthy.

God has planned and ordained so much greatness for my life. While respecting and honoring my parents is what He commanded, depending on them more than Him was not. He wants me to come to Him with my tears, fears, burdens, joys, smiles, and love. He wants it ALL. I sincerely believe that the reason why these earthly relationships will not exist in Heaven is because our focus will finally be on what we were intended and designed to focus on- God. God wants to be our EVERYTHING. Our mama, our daddy, our sister/brother, our bestie, and our lover. He is literally all that we need in one person. And because He is without spot or blemish and He cannot fail, He is better to us than all of those earthly people could ever be. Oh what joy we can truly experience if He would just let Him be great!

My lease ends in 16 days which means that in 14 days, I have to move out and move somewhere. At this point, I have no clue where that place is, yet I am not worried because I know God is already there. Every part of me wants to just give up and move back home. It’s easier. It’s cheaper. Mommy would be happy. She could dote on me and treat me like the favorite I know that I am. I mean, I guess that would be ok… but that’s not what I want. What I want and need is what’s scary and not easy. I’m not a Bible scholar or anything, but please show me the person in the Bible who remained in complacency and still succeeded. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

That person does not exist. In order for us to find success in God (and life), we have to step outside of our box and completely shatter that box. That box is complacency and mediocrity. Nothing great ever happens in there. God has promised us so much- far beyond our human minds could ever understand- if we would just trust Him. Everyday we must make the choice to walk with Him and let Him guide our lives or struggle on our own. Hmm, navigate this maze of a life with the person who designed the maze and knows each test or obstacle that awaits me…or traverse the unknown, on my own. I don’t know about you but that’s not a hard choice- yeah, I’m picking the Creator.

If and when my mother ever reads this, she may think this is criticism because I’ve always said that we couldn’t live together. Truth is, this is just a testament to how great of a mother she is. She is so phenomenal that if I move back, I will have no desire to live independently. Living with her means that I don’t have to grow up. I don’t have to be an adult. I don’t have to step out and shatter my box. I can decorate that box and live in there forever. I can also live a life of regret because I never tried anything. I would rather step out on faith with God than live a life of regret due to unfulfilled dreams.

When I moved out in 2016, I thought I was doing it because I wanted independence. Truthfully, my mom needed time to find herself without her children. My mom was always something to someone but nothing to herself. This was an opportunity for both of us to grow- an opportunity for me to find my wings and an opportunity for her to be more than my and my siblings’ mother. My mom can finally be her own person. And I want that for her more than anything. Most importantly, we can both put our faith and trust in God.
So Chickie Pooh (that’s what I call her sometimes), this is our time. You go be Janet, and the best possible Janet that you can be. I’ll go be Michelle- the best possible Michelle that I can be. We will both walk with God, but at our own pace and in the direction that He leads us. But don’t you worry, at some point God will bless me with a husband and a family of my own. At that time, we will frequently visit because he will need your curry chicken or oxtail (because I will still be Vegan) and our child will need you to load him/her up on ice cream, blow pops, and Swedish Fish. Your time as a mother has transitioned into the need for that “you can get away with murder with me” type of Grandmother.

You will always be my mommy…but rest up because my child(ren) will be just as demanding and commanding as me and you will need your strength. As a matter of fact, take this time to pray for your strength because you will never have a day of with my child(ren).

 


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