From far away, everything about me looks amazingly solid and whole. The image that you see is complete, beautiful to behold, and looks just like the picture on the box. For all intents and purposes, what was promised was delivered, and we should all be grateful for that. Yet upon closer inspection, one can see the flaws, the fine lines that not only define me, but also indicate that there was once separation and brokenness within me. Even though the presented image is appealing to the eye today, it is worth mentioning that the apparent fitting together of my pieces is a lie and, truthfully, I am barely holding it all together.
What people don’t see beyond the surface is how exhausting it is for me to present myself as “complete” and “whole.” As I get older and more in tune with myself, I am discovering that I need at least two hours of recovery for every hour of social engagement that I participate in. For example, after 4.5 hours of active teaching each day, I need at least nine hours of stillness to come back to myself. Yes, I need just that much! Currently, I teach for three consecutive blocks (90 minutes each), with the last class block being my planning time. During my planning, I turn down the lights and lock myself away from others so that I can both recharge my social battery and get work done. This alone time is crucial to me, and without it, I crumble and fall apart. I remember seeing myself in years past. I added so much to my plate that the plate crumbled and broke into a million pieces. It is no longer sustainable for me to live the way that I used to… so I create alone time. And when the week is over, I curl myself up into a tiny ball on our couch and shut off communication with the outside world. As King and I grow in our relationship, he is understanding of my need for alone time. He knows that it is nothing personal against him or us, but necessary for optimal Chelle performance. 🙂 However, my desired amount of rest can be challenging when I still have family and friends who desire to see me, professional and personal growth opportunities, and an internal desire to not become a recluse. While many activities bring me joy, there are only a few that pour into me and/do not deplete my energy. For as best as I can, I readily pursue those opportunities without delay.
This is my current, standard routine of living, but unfortunately, there are moments when my status quo is disrupted and what was already unfavorable only becomes worse. This past weekend was one of those moments. All was going well, but the hormonal dysregulation and disruption that come with both perimenopause and a persistent menstruation left me practically paralyzed on the couch yesterday. Even the thought of moving or being active caused my head to instantly scream in distress. I had plans for the day- light and harmless- but even those plans seemed overwhelming, and I struggled greatly to get the day started. In the days leading up to my “aunt’s” arrival, I felt the change occurring in my mind and body, and I dreaded it. I cried out to God, begging for my days with Flow to come to an end. For a moment, I thought they had… but I can confirm that they, in fact, did not.
All of this plays greatly into who I am today. When I look into the mirror, I see all of the pain that I have endured in my life, but I also see God’s promises for my future. And I think that is 100% true for all of us. From afar, people will only see the beauty that we choose to present that day. Outsiders looking in will never see or fully understand all that goes into who we truly are. The ignorance that we live in often cloaks and comforts us as we engage with other people. Ignorance is bliss.
The best part about completing a jigsaw puzzle is that final moment when the last piece fits in perfectly and your labor births a fruitful reward. In that moment, the pieces before you have aligned as they should, and the final product matches the image that you used while you worked. I love that moment; it is so satisfying. Yet even in my satisfaction, I know the truth- many pieces had to come together to make what I see a reality.
As you go about your day, I encourage you to take a moment to zoom in and see the truth within the beauty before you.
Be blessed.
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