When all the world seems quiet and still, my anxiety stealthily enters the room and begins to wreak havoc on all that is before me.
The rain danced heavily and rhythmically against the panes of our windows. The remnants of Hurricane Isaias had found its way to our part of Maryland, and with it came a day’s worth of rain so heavy that my only plan was to hunker down inside with the blinds closed. I didn’t want the sunlight (the sun still rises, even behind the clouds) to pierce through, and I didn’t want to see what was occurring beyond the curtains. I just wanted silence. Silence and more time.
More hours in the weekend, and less during the week.
More hours of sleep, and less of navigating the day.
More hours of joy, and less of the darkness.
I’m just … tired.
This week’s events had already consumed so much of my thoughts and weekend that I was desperately looking for ways to add extra hours to Sunday. I figured if I added to the weekend, it would subtract from the week and maybe, just maybe, I could avoid some of the events on the schedule. Observations, big-wig visits, appointments, etc. … I wanted no part of it, and I just wanted to stay in Sunday.
But alas, the clock only ticks one way. Time moves forward, never backwards, and it never stalls or stands still. Yet from my pained position on the couch, time was moving forward at an accelerated rate, and I couldn’t stop it even though I was trying.
That’s how anxiety works in me. For reasons beyond my control or understanding, my mind jumps forward to the future, wildly dancing around like it’s hyped up on sugar and caffeine. It’s not that I don’t see the beauty and the gift of today, but that the unknown confronts me and paralyzes me with its fear.
Everyone tells me to turn to God, scripture, and my faith as though I haven’t tried that already. Quoting Matthew 6:25-34 does not magically change the way my brain is physically wired. At this point, I am so tired of mental illness and neurodiversity being dismissed as a lack of faith and a lack of God. No, that’s not true.
God is real, and so is cancer.
God is real, and so is dementia.
God is real, and so is anxiety.
So, why is it that physical illnesses are accepted, but mental illnesses are dismissed?
Truthfully, that’s still a question that I need answered. But now is not the time, and answering that question is not my ministry lane. What is my lane is sharing my truth and praying that others can find themselves in it, too.
Anxiety is a very real part of my life and the lives of others. Like many afflictions, anxiety cannot just be prayed away. It’s not as simple as “just stop thinking about it” or “read scripture.” Does prayer help? Yes, of course. But faith without works is ___.
Exactly.
There is a place for faith, and it’s right beside our works and actions.
Right now, the comfort that I have is this: Sunday will end and give way to Monday. Monday will give way to Tuesday. Tuesday will give way to Wednesday… and so on and so on. The difficulties of one day will fade and give way to the potential beauty of another. Worrying about tomorrow does steal joy from today, but if you are like me and cannot just stop, just remember that darkness does not last always. Imagine the worst-case scenario and then remember that even that will be ok with time.
Your perspective controls the hours of the day. But- spoiler alert- it does get better.
Be blessed.
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