“Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.” Proverbs 21:23

One of the downfalls of ADHD is impulsivity. Sometimes it feels as though I have no control over myself as my body moves faster than my brain can process, causing me to do and say things without giving consideration to the full extent of possible consequences. There are the occasions when my brain moves faster and that’s when I move from impulsive to hyperactive. Fun fact, one of the reasons that I write in cursive so often is to allow both my hand and my brain to function at somewhat of the same speed. Nonetheless, my brain and my body are rarely synchronized and that missed sync has caused many issues in recent weeks but especially last week. I just did everything wrong.

If you are following me on social media, you know that I began taking Strattera for my ADHD. Strattera is a non-stimulant designed to treat my ADHD by increasing my norepinephrine levels in my brain. By doing this, Strattera works to improve my symptoms of inattentiveness, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. I started the 40mg dose on August 9th and when I went back for my 3-week check-in, since everything appeared normal, I did not increase my dosage. Well, like a good house of cards that caught a cool breeze from an open window, I slowly started crashing right after that appointment. I soon started to notice that while the hyperactivity and inattentiveness may have subsided, my impulsivity is still very much present. My therapist had advised me to enter a season of NO, as to not add more stress, activities, and commitments to my plate but it wasn’t until last week that I realized a true problem of mine is that I often say whatever comes to my mind- no filter and no holds barred. (I literally just face-palmed after typing that sentence.)

Yes, I have been able to not add commitments to my calendar and say no to people, but I have not learned how to keep my mouth shut… or better yet, how to not text without thinking. And Wednesday morning when I rose with bags the size of Texas under my eyes from crying myself to sleep the night before, I realized just how badly I had effed up. I had all but promised my mother a birthday trip to her dream destination and then had to renege on that due to money… and I had almost destroyed my 3-year relationship with my Love over a perceived similar action. In both cases, my mouth (or better yet, my texting fingers) had written a check that my brain did not authorize and when all was said and done, a STOP PAYMENT order could not undo the damage that had been done. As I sat alone with my thoughts and feelings Tuesday night, a steady flow of tears kept me company as I realized that if I didn’t shape up (and fast), I would destroy the relationships that mattered the most to me.

With the oversized luggage sitting below my eyes, I sleepily dragged myself to work. I was grateful that all of my classes were working on a project and that it was my school’s dress-down day because I had nothing spectacular to give. I was both mentally and physically exhausted and the thought of taking a nap on hot coal sounded better than the thought of conversing with people that day. It takes everything in me to be positive and to give to students the encouraging and loving (albeit, sarcastic) teacher that they see daily. For each minute of the 7.5 hours that I was at work on that depressingly rain-filled Wednesday, all I could think about was how I had disappointed my mother and hurt my Love. My actions with both proved one adage to be true, “think before you speak because words, once spoken, cannot be undone.” And you would think that at 39 years old, I would have known that by now.

However, for once in my life as I think about my actions, the first thing that comes to mind is not to “repair” what I may have broken. Instead, my first instinct is to be a better person. Through prayer and faith, I trusted this medication to not repair me, but to help me live a better quality of life. And while it very much has that potential, as with everything in life, I have to put in work, too. So this is me working. This is me asking God to help bridle my tongue so that my words, His will, and my brain have a chance to be in sync. I need to confer with Him for guidance and afford my brain the time to process the weight of my actions before I open my mouth to utter a word. I’m not saying that I’m going on a silent fast, but I am saying that I am beginning to understand why nuns do just that. The Bible says that the tongue holds the power to life and death, meaning that the words we speak can either GIVE life, or take it. I feel like for far too long my words have set ablaze bridges, homes, and relationships that did not deserve such a fiery death. But these relationships are not phoenixes and will not rise from the scorched earth. The cost of attempting to repair relationships damaged by my impulsivity in speech is far too high a price to pay; I must learn and honor the value of SILENCE.

Be blessed.