For me, busyness is like a drug; I don’t know how to function without it.

As someone who has been sober for eight years this month, coming to this realization provided both a deep sense of clarity and relief. When my schedule is packed, I thrive. I’m able to skillfully jump from one task to the next and I feel so accomplished when I can check items off of my To-Do List. Yet when there is nothing on my plate, I sink into this dark place that offers no sense of reality or a foreseeable rock bottom.

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I’m spiraling…

Last month I was blessed with a gift that should have been the literal answer to my actual prayers. Yet by Snow Day #2, I felt familiar signs of depression creeping up on me and I found myself emotionally exhausted by the silence that surrounded me. From the moment King got to know me and my schedule, he has joked that I did not know what it meant to rest. He would always chide me for being unable to take a break when there was nothing on my schedule. However, a series of late-night texts last month caused him to learn that it was no joke or laughing matter- I really do struggle with rest.

Even in moments when I think I am not doing anything, I am doing something. Whether it’s adding another event to my calendar, creating artwork for social media, writing in my journal, or creating a blog, I find ways to fill what should be downtime in my life. Much to his chagrin, I do this because as we both learned last month when my mind isn’t actively focused on a task, it slips away into the dark abyss. When left alone with nothing to do, my mind begins to fill a void by convincing itself that I am unloved, unseen, and unheard. (Hmm, isn’t that what I wrote about last month…). While downtime is also peak creative time for me, a finite balance between the two is needed so that I don’t rest my mind so much that doubt has a way to creep in and set up camp. What should be carefree days of relaxation, always turns into emotionally tumultuous days of worry and my heart and mind can no longer take the downward spiral that so often finds me.

Getting my fix…

Let me be very honest, just as loudly as my body calls out for rest, my mind calls out louder for something- anything- to fill the voids that exist. Maybe this is a conversation that I need to have with my therapist but I feel like I’m making progress by simply admitting that I don’t know how to rest. Do I get a participatory award for that??? For years I added so much to my plate that I didn’t even recognize when the weight of it all was consuming and killing me. Now as I sit one whole month within the year that God has called me to rest, I find myself struggling to identify where I will get my “fix” from now.

About two and a half weeks ago I went to the gym for the first time since October 3, 2024. It was snowing outside and I was looking for any excuse not to go to the gym but God removed ALL of my barriers and typical outs. When I stepped inside the gym, the first person I saw was an old friend. Knowing that I was going to the gym for a fitness class and that this friend was an instructor, I stopped to ask her if she was facilitating the course. Although she stated that she was not teaching that particular course, she did say that she would join me for it and my heart just smiled. We talked our way up the mountainous stairs to reach the main fitness level and as she went over to the treadmill for a quick walk before class, I walked in a different direction and ran into two colleagues. We chatted for a bit, exchanged numbers, and vowed to help one another stay accountable with working out. Wait, let me rephrase that. They vowed to hold ME accountable for working out. By this time, I was crying real tears on the inside because I had asked God for accountability partners and here He was, doing just that. Two days later I was in the gym again, this time trying a new fitness class designed to incorporate weight-lifting into fitness. When I walked into the room and saw the equipment that everyone had set up, I was instantly terrified but I pressed on because I owed it to myself to at least try something new. I promise you, that class nearly killed me but I still had another hour left at the gym as the class that I really wanted to attend would begin after this death trap of a class.

After the class, I went downstairs and decided to treat myself to a hydro massage. As the name implies, it’s a massage chair that uses high-pressured water to restore one after a workout. Having never used the device before, I sat in the chair, fiddled with the buttons, and then picked up my phone to do random, seemingly important tasks. About three minutes into my 10-minute massage a light switch went off in my head and I decided to put my phones down and be present in the moment. I’m not going to lie; turning off my mind for seven minutes was significantly harder than participating in that fitness class for 60 minutes. With nothing in my hand, everything flooded my mind. I had an internal battle with myself as I wrestled with thoughts of what would be next for me. That’s what always happens; I fight within my mind for too long and use activities to drown out the noise in my head.

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A balanced life…

I was so naive to think that this would be easy. I was foolish to believe that this would be as simple as I implied 31 days ago in my anniversary post. When I said that I was resigning from various activities/roles in pursuit of balance in my life, I truly believed my words at the time but here I sit exactly one month later, realizing that giving up this addiction to busyness might be one of the hardest things that I will ever do in my entire life.

Read that last sentence again.
I will because God can.
Sobriety is my heart’s greatest pursuit and for me, this begins with finding and maintaining balance in all that I do.

Beloved, I want to take a moment to encourage both of us when I say this: God did not send His Son to set us free from our sins, just for us to be bound to anything else in this world. It is my prayer today that we can allow God to set us free from the hands of this world and be forever set free in the name of Jesus.

Be blessed.