Today is my anniversary.

Eight years ago today I was sitting in bed in the apartment that I shared with my then ex-boyfriend. We weren’t exes at the time but three months after moving in together at that gorgeous apartment in Virginia, our relationship came to an abrupt and permanent end. I remember being so devastated on the day that we broke up. After initially reading his initial text the only thing that came to my mind was, “we just moved in together.” It took me three days of crying and emotionally eating away my pain before I called out to God and asked for His deliverance. But that was back in September 2016. By January 2017 I was ready to let a lot of things go and it seemed as though the only way up was by falling all the way down.

Much like right now, I was in bed on that January 3rd when God very clearly spoke to my heart and called me to ministry. However, in typical M.E. format, I misunderstood His call. You see, I thought God was telling me to write my book, you know, the one I ended up self-publishing later that year. Turns out, that was THE call to ministry, as Christ wanted me to take up my cross and follow Him. God did end up calling again and made sure that I heard him clearly this time. Though this journey has been anything but perfect or easy, I have never been more grateful for His call than I am today.

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Life be life-ing

When I woke up this morning I felt weak. Physically I am still fighting off the Educators’ Winter Break Crud (all my educators know exactly what I’m talking about) but mentally I am not even present today. As soon as the first of my four alarms went off this morning, I started praying to God for Him to give me His strength. I desperately needed His Holy Spirit to flow through me as the marrow in my very bones. When I tell you I was weak, I was WEAK! I truly did not know at 4:40am how I was going to have the energy to teach and be a functioning adult for nine plus hours of engagement that were on my schedule for the day. I did not feel it initially, but as the official work day got started, I had this tightness in my chest that physically felt like I was having a heart attack yet because I believed in my mind that it wasn’t, I ignored the feelings and deemed that I was just having an anxiety attack instead. (PAUSE- NEVER do that! If you feel tightness in your chest, please seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY!)

News about a loved one that was received yesterday delivered such an emotional earthquake that it sent reverberating crashes to all in close proximity. My loved one is still trying to clean up the shards of glass and debris that remain in their life post the earthquake while those around are lovingly sitting in the corner of our respective rooms as we brace for any aftershocks that may develop. It’s a horrible place to be and I don’t wish that particular earthquake on anyone. My loved one is one of the strongest people that I have ever met in my life, yet I recognize the devastation that this earthquake has caused- if even possible- will take a lifetime to heal.

As I went to work this morning, I carried my loved one and their life-shattering earthquake in my heart. The fixer that I am desperately wanting to heal their land and space while struggling to accept the truth that I cannot fix THIS. Seeing someone you love suffer a merciless yet completely avoidable pain is debilitating. And I carried their pain with me today. Their heartache became unrecognizably intertwined with my mounting concerns for the day. It was Day Two after Winter Break and I a lot of items to tackle in my day, including a trip to the middle school to promote the courses that I teach, a systemic meeting with leaders from all over the district, and the possibility of everything being canceled due to the threat of inclement weather. Additionally, I knew that I had three letters of resignation to submit today, but I naively believed that the submission of those letters would be easy. I guess my heart had a different plan than my mind because the tightness in my chest was equal parts painful and alarming. I did not have time to actually get medical attention, so my mind chose to accept a reality where everything was fine…even though it really wasn’t.

Start of the day. Heart tightness at 100%.

First letter submitted. Heart tightness at 80%

Second letter submitted. Heart tightness at 70%.

Third letter submitted. Heart tightness at 50%.

Hearing from my loved one. Heart tightness 20%.

Early dismissal from school. Heart tightness 0%.

Today had many challenges and it seemed as though it was all too much for the third day of a new year. Weren’t we supposed to experience smooth sailing until at least February??? But I digress…

Beloved, I’m sure at this point you are wondering what these letters of resignation were for, seeing as though I am not resigning from my teaching position. Well, God has blessed me with several amazing opportunities and has now told me to step aside from those to rest before His next move in my life. As much as I loved those roles, it was time.

And God said today was the day.

In hindsight, I’m glad that I didn’t go to the hospital. The heart pain really was an anxiety attack as it went away as the day wore on. Now as I sit in my bed (my preferred place of writing), I am reflecting on this anniversary day.

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Eight years.

With eight being the number of new beginnings, I find it poetic that God chose today to speak as only He could. I legitimately have NO CLUE what He is about to do in my life, yet just as I did eight years ago when I answered His call, I’m trusting Him again.

With the start of every year I embrace a mantra that God uses to guide my life. For the last two years my mantra was one word- GRACE. This year God was very clear in saying that He needs me to have A Balanced Life. In the coming weeks I will explain that more during my regular #MondayMessage blogs and #MonthlyMessage vlogs but today just trust me when I say that balance is my key word for 2025.

Have a wonderful night, Beloved; thank you for your continued prayers for me and for joining me on this healing journey in Christ.

Be blessed.