And just then, as the minutes ticked away on the clock and my bedtime was getting further away in the rearview mirror, I reflected on what he had said to me in the car, and the tears flowed without regard, staining both my heart and the tissues that I had grabbed for the occasion.
I could not believe what he had said to me…
This Thanksgiving will go down in history for me for many reasons. It was the first time that I ever really celebrated the holiday, originating the often dreaded chain of text messages that I would intentionally avoid in years past. I had grown up in a Jamaican household so Thanksgiving wasn’t really “our day.” We always said that it was for the Americans to celebrate so when those “Happy Thanksgiving Day” messages would start arriving, I would respond with a lackluster “same to you!” before muttering to anyone who would listen that I didn’t celebrate the day. Yet this year was different…
This also marked my third Thanksgiving with My Love, the most that I’ve ever spent with any one man. That’s right, I am officially in my longest lasting relationship of all time. It’s both beautifully romantic and extremely sad considering my age. My Love and I have spent every Thanksgiving together since we first met but this was the first one where we actually welcomed in the day together. The night before we had gone out to Dave & Buster’s with some friends and when the clock struck midnight, we were still together, playing games and racking up tokens in the game center. It was so much fun; definitely not like any other Thanksgiving in the past. When the night was over and I finally got home, I could not sleep. I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, processing all that had happened and when the sleep finally did greet me like a long lost lover, my heart was full with both joy and extreme gratitude.
Later on Thanksgiving afternoon after waking from my blissful slumber, I read my daily devotional study and began to get dressed for the day. My Love and I were slated to drive to Baltimore to have dinner with my family and I just needed to wait for him to pick me up. I spritzed my locs with some water and oil, zhuzhed myself up a bit, grabbed a road snack, and stepped outside to wait for him. I did break my nail in the dressing process but as soon as he greeted me with a kiss, I kind of forgot about the throbbing pain in my index finger. After a pit stop at Giant for dessert, we ventured onto I-70 and began the Eastward travel.
Dinner with my family was so much fun and I am so glad that we went! Two lively football games, food flowing from every corner of the home, and love warming our hearts and bodies made the evening one to remember. Even if I can’t recall the name of every person in that house, I can clearly tell you that a good time was had by all! Yet it was the car ride back home that prompted my tears that night… and this post. You see, during the ride we were talking about how disorders and disabilities impact people, with an intentional focus on me and my ADHD. I have never been shy with sharing my diagnoses, as I feel that in order to truly understand me, you must know all that is within me- and that includes knowing that I have conditions that cause me to think differently and see the world in a way that others may not. I am not ashamed of my diagnoses, yet I am just now finding out how to LIVE UNAPOLOGETICALLY with them all.
So we were in the car driving back from dinner, talking about all the things as I snacked on a cookie and that’s when it happened. My Love casually mentioned to me that sometime before (or during the early weeks of) our relationship, he had researched what it was like to date someone with ADHD. Although my ears had heard him at that moment, my heart did not process his words until hours later. As I was writing in my journal for the night, I became overwhelmed with emotions because I had finally realized just how much he loved me. Since receiving my diagnoses, I have openly shared my Alphabet Soup of conditions with everyone. I have ADHD, GAD, SAD (now known as Seasonal Depression), and PTSD, all as a result of severe childhood trauma. It is important for men to know this about me when they date me because each condition impacts me thinking, my emotions, my rationale, my mood, and my logic. One cannot say that they desire to be in a relationship with me, without getting into a relationship with those conditions as well. Yet here was My Love, stating that he not only accepted me for who I was, but that he had also done some research to better help him understand M.E.
Two years ago I wrote a piece (click HERE), talking about how this same man had come to this very website to read all of my blogs before meeting me for the first time. We were being set up by a mutual friend and in preparation, he read all of my blogs, listened to all of my posted sermons, and did a thorough internet search to learn about me. And before you ask, I did not find it weird or creepy; I found it romantic and endearing. By the time we were being introduced, I had over six years of content and he took time to read through it all. Unprompted, he had done in a few days what I had been begging other men to do for years- to see me, all of M.E.. So hearing that he had taken an additional step by researching what it is like to date someone with my disability was romantic and humbling.
He loved me.
He still loves me.
And his intentionality reminded me of Another…
The love that King- that’s My Love’s name- has shown for me over the years reminds me of the love that Paul references in Ephesians 5:22-33. It is the desire of so many to be loved by a man the way Christ loves His church and I consider it such a blessing to have received that love from King. While so many are waiting for King to propose to me (and probably assumed that my first statement was alluding to a proposal), I have to be honest in saying that King has given me more than just his last name- he has given me his commitment, his fidelity, his love, and his heart. He has made a solemn vow to me and my heart and I have made one to him as well. If one day we dare share those vows aloud for others to hear, it will be in our own time and not for the appeasement or approval of others. Our love transcends beyond the legality of modern marriage and is rooted in core values that matter greatly to us.
At 38 years of age I can finally say this with confidence and conviction- I don’t want a marriage or relationship just for the sake of not being lonely. When I was growing up, I saw how difficult it was for my mother to rear five children on her own and I yearned for the day when I would marry so that I would never be alone. I erroneously equated singlehood to loneliness and I believed that loneliness was a bitter pill that ruined the heart and spirits of many otherwise good people. I sought marriage as only a means to not be lonely, never seeking any of the spiritual or emotional protections that the Bible outlines. Today I recognize that there is a subtle difference between being lonely and alone. I saw my mother as alone and assumed that she was lonely. While she may have been, it is not safe or fair to conclude that someone is lonely in spirit, just because they are alone in nature. Now that I am older and thankfully wiser, I truly desire companionship, partnership, oneness, and love. I understand the nuances that exist in life and love and I see beauty in moments of being alone, accepting that being alone and being lonely are not the same. Yet in all of this, I am grateful beyond words for King and I still sit in awe at how God has blessed me. It has taken me 38 years to realize the true and unwavering power of love and I wish that more than anything for you, Beloved.
In this last month of 2024, I pray that God’s love would flow bountifully within you, reminding you that you are never alone. The holiday season can be extremely difficult as many wrestle with the very conditions that I mentioned earlier. I will never promise you perfection or ease in life, yet I do promise you that God loves you more than words will ever describe. He thinks so much of you that He sent His only Son to take the place of sin and reunite you back to Him. No matter who or what else may (or may not) come calling this season, know that God is calling you Him, today and forever. His love is one that is forever written in the stars; an endless and timeless love.
Be blessed.
God Happened To ME Ministries, LLC 
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