Make me Wanna Scream!

ALEXA, please play “SCREAM” by Michael and Janet Jackson.

Before I start, I want to give space for those who may be experiencing emotions as a result of the recent election and events that have occurred since then. I wholly recognize that for some, Tuesday brought forth news that excited you beyond words. While for others, the results were the latest devastating blow from a country that often forgets about particular groups of people. No matter where you fall on that spectrum, know that I give you space to release your emotions and be free. However, with that space, I invite you to practice sympathy and respect, for not everyone may feel the way that you feel.

*Breathe in and out*

Now let’s go; we’ve got work to do.

“Stop pressurin’ me…”

In 1995 when Scream by Michael and Janet Jackson was released I was a whopping nine years old. It was a little over one year after I had revealed to my mother what my brother had done to me for two years and I was processing so many emotions in every waking hour of the day. Therapy was a new concept for me, but it was what everyone had recommended so I did it, although no one in my family ever saw a purpose in its work. I was young and highly impressionable; I was also dying to please everyone around me.

For so long I lived to please everyone else and not me. From ensuring that I respected the privacy and rigidity of my family, to doing whatever the boyfriend of the moment wanted- I was oblivious to my own needs and desires so I just mimicked the behavior that was socially deemed acceptable. You know, at the time, it didn’t seem that bad. I didn’t have to think for myself if I just allowed everyone else to guide me. Additionally, I wasn’t responsible for my actions if I just did what others wanted. Failure and accountability would never be my burden to bear because, well, someone else had made me do it. Sadly, I followed that logic well into my 30s before I realized just how detrimental it was to both my mental health and my overall well-being.

What prompted me to finally “wake up” was being rear-ended for the third time in my life as I was driving back home from a weekend at the beach with a “friend.” For the sake of time, I’ll just give the highlights of what happened:

I was blissfully singing along with the song “Yes” by Shekinah Glory
Traffic was stop and go
I stopped
The person behind me stopped
The person in the truck behind him decided to go
I clinched up as I saw all of this happening from my rearview mirror
The excruciating pain greeted me almost immediately
The pain has been my visiting companion since February 2017

That time in my life was the most beautiful series of devastatingly unfortunate events that had ever happened and, while I know it’s hard to believe, that collision saved my life. I was heading down a path that would have undoubtedly led to deeper destruction and the pain of that accident caused me to realize that I no longer wanted to be in emotional or spiritual pain anymore. In realizing that, I immediately wanted out of everything. I did not want to be controlled by others. I no longer wanted to fulfill the wishes of others. I no longer wanted to say “yes” to the ideals of others.

“I’m tired of injustice…”

About a month and a half before that accident, I had accepted God’s call to ministry. Only issue is, I did not realize what He was specifically calling me to do. I truly thought that He was only calling me to write and do this, you know, create a blog and share my testimony. What I later realized is that He was calling me into MINISTRY, ministry and that the writing was just one part of what He had predestined for me. The real part I would not become aware of for several months yet when I did, I experienced fulfillment that extends beyond the mere words of my limited vocabulary.

The joy that I felt in accepting God’s call was also met with an unwavering desire to help others. From being the very support to young people that I needed when I was their age, to helping people of all ages understand what it means to let “God Happen To You”, I was committed to being an advocate for others. The funny part is that it was through my advocacy that I realized just how many injustices exist in the world and I was empowered to eradicate the world of those injustices. And in case you did not know, you should never trust someone with ADHD to commit themselves to just one cause; be prepared for us to be drawn to EVERYTHING because we believe that everything is deeply related.

It’s M.E.; I’m that person with ADHD who [over] commits to every cause.

Yet I will never apologize for that because my disdain for injustice has created space for me to learn and work authentically for those in need. Full disclosure, this work has never been overwhelmingly financially rewarding, yet I go to sleep each night with peace in my heart and arise every morning with purpose.

“You keep changin’ the rules while I, I keep playin’ the game…”

Beloved, no matter how much I do and no matter how much I walk in my passion and divine purpose, I can never be enough for every person that I pass. While I no longer live to please others, I can’t deny the fact that sometimes (sometimes), I do try to follow the rules and color inside of the lines of society. With the rules and limitations that are set before me, I do try my best to do what is asked of me because I recognize that respect and civil obedience are necessary… to an extent. Yet I cannot lie; it’s getting to be too much.

In accepting God’s call into ministry, I honestly thought that the M.E. that the world could see would be enough. While I knew that I wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea, I at least thought that those who did accept me, would accept all of me and not try to tell me who I should be, what I should do, and what I should look like.

So often I feel like the more I try to comply, the more things go awry. Or better yet, just as I learn the rules to the game, someone changes the rules completely. Hmm, maybe I should just stop playing the game…

“With such confusion, don’t it make you wanna scream?…”

As I sat down to write this piece, I could only hear the words of this particular song reverberating in every part of my being. I wanted the pressures of this world and its desires for conformity to stop trying to control me. Basically, I just wanted people to stop trying to control everything about me.

Stop trying to control my speech.
Stop trying to control my attire.
Stop trying to control my emotions.
Stop trying to control my reactions.
Stop trying to control my entire being.
Just stop trying to make M.E. like you.

Don’t folks know that you can never try to re-control a mind that has been liberated? Have they not read John 8:36?

SMH.

“Oh Father, please have mercy
‘Cause I just can’t take it
Stop pressurin’ me
Just stop pressuring’ me
Stop pressuring’ me
Make me wanna scream”

Be blessed.