Moving Beyond Grace

It’s so weird to be a Christian, yet say that there are moments in my life where I have doubts. In fact, doubting Christian is probably the prime example of an oxymoron, pairing two opposing terms right next to each other. Nevertheless, there are moments when I strongly doubt me, not the God in me, but simply M.E.

Being a mother

When I was younger all I ever wanted to be was an aunt. I think a combination of not knowing my dad’s side of the family, mixed with being the youngest of five kids made me want to step into the Auntie position long before many of my peers. With siblings who were 7-16 years older than me, auntiehood seemed so much closer than anything else for me. Yet when my teenage years were upon me and none of my siblings were even dating much less considering having kids, my focus shifted to wanting to be a mother myself.

My mother had birthed me when she was 32 years old and I had felt the weight of having an older mother in my youth. I love my mother dearly, but older parents don’t always have the energy to keep up with younger kids. Add the fact that I was the only American-born child and you can imagine that there were many experiences that were never lived by me. However, the age of my mother did one thing for me- it made me want to have children at an early age. In fact, in my book, I wanted to have children beginning at 25 (ending at 32) because I felt like I would be better able to raise them then. I have to laugh as I type that because I was so incredibly naive back then. For so long I viewed motherhood as a way of having someone who would love me no matter what. I didn’t feel loved by my mother or my siblings, and I felt abandoned by my dad and his side of the family- motherhood seemed like my only hope at love.

It’s funny that I thought that way because even in my promiscuity, birth control was my best friend. I wanted to be a mother, but I didn’t want to have just any man’s child. With a clear conscience I can tell you that because I viewed motherhood as my way of having someone who would always love me, I desired motherhood more than marriage… and that I never really wanted to be married. Back then, marriage to me was that thing that you did because the Bible said that it was the only way to have a child. However, since I had limited examples of successful marriages, that was a distant thought in my mind.

Yet here I am on January 1, 2024 (the year that I will turn 38 years old, Lord willing), finally accepting the fact that I do not desire to be a mother…

Being married

As I just mentioned in the last section, marriage was a means to an end for me when I was younger. I had one example of a Godly marriage (actually, just one example of a HEALTHY marriage) in my life and it seemed daunting and limiting. Looking at the way the men were in my family, I wanted no parts of being in a relationship with a man like them. Yes, they were hard workers, but they were harsh and lacked love and kindness. I was and still am a gentle and sensitive soul. I’m an empath and I am extremely delicate. The men that I saw around me made me never want to get married if there was even a possibility that I would marry someone like them. It’s the culture; Jamaican men were reared to be strong, commanding, and feared. Yet I knew that a piece of me would die daily in a relationship with a man like that.

In my young adult years, I worked so hard to avoid men like my family members. This caused me to gravitate towards men who openly professed their feelings for me… even though they could not meet all of my needs. I’ll be honest, I stayed in relationships and situationships with men that I knew would yield no fruit just because they said they loved me. I didn’t grow up hearing men say that in my home so I flocked towards the relationships where those words were said.

Today I am in what I believe is my first healthy relationship- the first relationship where this man loves me enough to pour into me and my success- and I’m grateful. This is the first relationship that I’ve been in where a man has worked to understand my past, so that we can both have a fruitful future. This man doesn’t just want my good for the present, he desires for me to be well in all things even beyond us. This man has helped me see that there is a difference between being in a relationship, and truly being a contributor to a relationship. He has helped me see the difference between being married and being a wife. Because of him, I no longer desire to be married, but I do desire to be his wife…

Beyond Grace

For 2023 my focus was GRACE, processing God’s grace and learning how to extend it to others. Turns out, God had more than 365 opportunities of grace for me to endeavor in, as such for 2024, I’m going beyond. I have no clue what this year will entail and that scares me, to an extent. Yet I have faith and hope, trusting God and knowing that He will do wonders in my life… and yours.

Why did I mention my two earlier portions? Because God is causing me to face a lot of fears in 2024 by calling them out and allowing Him to remove the power they held over me. I’m healing in ways that still amaze me but God is working so all will be well.

For 2024, I pray God’s prayer and presence in your life. I pray that we both delve deeper into His Word and challenge ourselves to truly spend time with Him. I pray God’s peace and prosperity in your life. I pray for you, Beloved; this year will be beyond amazing and God will move abundantly in our lives… moving beyond grace.

Be blessed.