As tears flooded my eyes, I cried out to God in anguish:
“God, just take away my desire for love!-My anguished heart
Take away my desire for marriage and children!
This is not a thorn that I must bear so please remove it!”
I was tired of developing [what appeared to be] one-sided feelings for men, only to make a series of poor choices and end up heartbroken. Naturally, I figured the best way to correct this problem was to ask God to remove my desire for love, cementing me forever to Him. Yes, that- not asking God to lead and guide me in relationships so that I would always move according to His will- was my petition for the night. Somewhere in the midst of my tears, I even begged God to help me sleep through this pain, choosing not to actively deal with my feelings. Raise your hand if you know that, clearly, God did not answer that prayer. *Bashfully raises hand*
Instead, God did something much better. He sweetly whispered in my ear, “I created you in LOVE, for LOVE, and to be LOVE. The LOVE that is within you is beautiful and pure; your true LOVE will find you when you rest your heart in Me.”
It was at that utterance that I grabbed my phone to start typing this message. I had been crying for what seemed like endless hours and every tear dried up when God spoke to my heart.
First thing that morning I had to have the highly uncomfortable, not recommended conversation with my ex, letting him know- in very definite terms- that I had moved on. He reacted as negatively as one would expect. He wanted to know who the guy was, assuming all sorts of untrue/not factual things, and continued to offer insincere, passive-aggressive words of congratulations to me.
He was hurt; I get it. We had been together for almost two years and each of the previous times that we had broken up, we always got back together. But not this time. This time I had spent our entire time apart, trying to tell him that we were no longer together and it all came to a head when he called me at 5am that morning. It had been a week since I had met a new man and it was time to finally tell my ex that we were truly and irrevocably broken up. Beloved, I promise I am not as cold as this may sound. In fact, I loved my ex more than words will allow, but when God says something is over (and tells you three times), it is truly over! I was more afraid of disobeying my Lord for another time than I was of breaking his heart.
Nugget: when we disobey God, feelings will always be hurt and hearts will be broken.
Through tear-stained eyes, I cried out to God, asking Him to remove the brokenness that I always experienced in love by removing my desire to love. And honestly, it sounded like a fairly simple and understandable request.
Yet God required more. He didn’t want to take away my penchant for love, but instead He desired for me to have love as He had intended. He was trying to fulfill His Word in Isaiah 61 by giving me beauty for my ashes, bringing true life to what was once dead. He wanted me to learn how to look to Him for love and guidance so that He could give my heart to the man that He had created for me. He no longer wanted me to experience pain over rejection and had been building my heart to accept the truth- that I was beautiful in His eyes.
For so long I had found my worth in that of a man. If I was a good woman, I would do XYZ and then the man would love me. If I surrendered myself to this man, surely he would turn this “‘hoe’ into a housewife,” redeeming me from years of shame. Unknowingly, I had put my worth, value, and existence into the hands of men, allowing their flaws and flawed perceptions to define who I was. I had clearly forgotten that I was the daughter of the King and that they had no power to access value, much less give it to me. No, only God is that powerful so only He can fight for me.
Yet as I cried out to God in bed that night, I felt the weight of my past slowly rising up off of me. I felt strengthened and comforted, knowing that God desired greater than my current greatness for me. I felt peace as I truly recalled the words that He had spoken to me in the past…
“Marriage is your ministry.-God
Chains will be broken in your family.
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
You shall bear a child.”
I don’t know when those promises will ever come true, but I’m crazy enough to believe that if God took time out of His BUSY schedule to whisper those words into my heart AND write them in His scriptures, then He will do just what He said.
It was three hours past my bedtime and I knew that I would soon have to navigate through three commanding alarm clocks, but I had to take a moment to encourage us both:
Beloved, we are recipients of the greatest LOVE that has ever been made known to this world. We are sons and daughters of the great I Am; the one Who created and framed LOVE into the very gift that we see today. It is by His LOVE that we are healed and made whole and there is no greater LOVE than that in existence. Today, we must stand strong in our determination to settle for nothing less than God’s absolute best for us! We must resolve to release what He says to release, and pray in faith what He tells us to pray in faith. We must be bold and fearless in our desire to serve the Lord our God above all others and all else. He is Lord and He is LOVE.
Sweet Friend, you deserve LOVE- big, Christ-like, unyielding, never-ending LOVE! Stop at nothing to press into God so that He can give you that LOVE in His own way.
Though they were shed with a purpose, dry your tears shed in LOVE.
PS- At the time that I submitting this post, even the “new guy” has become a person of the past. It was so hard for me to process that loss and I literally went through the grieving process for it. Not because I thought he was the one, but because it hurts me so much to be emotionally and physically vulnerable. I can share the words of my heart to all who will listen, but something hits different when I converse with a man, break bread with him, and embrace him emotionally. When I embraced this man, I let my guard down and revealed a vulnerability that left me open to unforeseen pain. I have cried many tears, begging my heart to forgive me for leaving it open to ache. Today, I am continuing to pray the prayer mentioned last week about asking Jesus’ shed blood to cover what I cannot yet forgive. I am intentionally putting in the healing work because forward is the only way that I can go. This story is far from complete and, when God allows, I will follow up with you all…