I can’t float on my back.
I know that sounds so weird and extremely random, but when I think of all the people in the world who can float on their backs one word comes to mind: TRUST.
Wow, those people have a lot of trust! How do you just lie on your back and trust that something so fluid and liquid will sustain you? I mean, literally, it’s not even solid ground?!
I never learned how to swim but, interestingly enough, the place where I feel the most peace is near a body of water. When I am feeling stressed or unnerved I do one of three things to ground myself: 1. Hold my niece’s hand, 2. Lie on my back on the ground, or 3. Stand in front of a large body of water. I can’t swim but seeing the cascading waves of water crushing upon itself causes me to see the mighty hand of God at work and I just feel peace. Water calms me in a way that I cannot fully explain. Another interesting fact? I can float on my stomach. Dead man’s float, as it is called, has never been difficult for me. I have always been able to fully stretch out and relax enough in the water to float when I can see what’s ahead of me… but just never enough to relax when I can’t see what’s behind me.
And that’s what led to this post-
I can’t lay down what’s behind me.
I’ve written so much about my past that even I am tired of reading about it. Yes, at this point we all know what happened to me, the people who hurt me, and how God was able to bring me out of it. TBH, we even know how He is continuing to heal me from the deeper cuts and and untreated wounds of my heart that I didn’t even know existed. Yes, we know about my past. But what I seldom discuss is how much the past has shaped my trust issues in the present.
Picture it– a humble home sitting on acres of land in a quiet countryside. As you pull up to the land, you see a low and unlocked fence separating the property from the others around it. You easily pull into the driveway and proceed to drive up to the front of the house. Once at the house, you park your car and walk up to the door and turn the handle, surprised that it opens with this simple attempt at entry. In the house you see the most amazing layout of technology and equipment. Everything is new, fresh, and up-to-date. State of the art in every way! No expenses were spared in the decorating and furnishing of this home. Like a kid in a candy store, you rush over to the TV, it’s a huge flat screen, mounted in front of an inviting plush couch. Grabbing the remote, you attempt to turn on the television and stop when you are prompted to enter a password. Confused, but not deterred, you venture over to the fridge to grab some food before trying again. At the fridge you go to pull the handle but realize that there is also a password prompt on the door. What?! A password protected fridge?! You turn your gaze for a moment and realize that everything in this home is beautiful indeed… but also secured by some unknown password. How could the property be so inviting, the home so easy to enter, and then everything is guarded with an additional layer of security, barring anyone from enjoying the beauty of this home???
That home is like my heart; that home is like me. I let people in to a certain extent… and then keep them at a distance at the same time. Christ said to fellowship with others, love them as my neighbor and brother/sister, and all that jazz but that doesn’t mean that I have to let them all the way into my heart… or that I have to trust them. So I don’t. I love people and share with my whole heart… except for that part of me that never fully trusts anyone.
As I sat at home, alone and in my feelings on another single Valentine’s Day, I came to one major revelation- I’ve got trust issues.
I cried out to God that evening and He spoke softly on Saturday afternoon. He reminded me that I don’t have to trust others if I would just wholly trust Him. He said that if I gave Him my whole heart, He would never allow anyone to hurt it or me. He promised that He would give my heart to someone who would love me with His pure love because that man would love Him more than He loved me… and that that love would be the love that Paul described in his letter to the church at Corinth.
On my own, I cannot trust people; I cannot trust that they will have my best interest at heart and that they will ever care for me the way that I care for them. But God. Because of Christ I can place my whole trust in Him and He will never hurt me; He alone will protect me.
Beloved, I don’t know if you are like me with a host of trust issues but I invite you to read this scripture. I pray that this gives you peace, as it gave me peace. While I do not know you personally, I trust that God is working in you and that He will settle all things within your heart and life.