A healing heart…

I had a slight headache yesterday but I pressed on to church. As I drove, I spoke to my line sister, rekindling our relationship.

It felt good.
But my head still ached.
Yet I still pressed.

When I got to church, I was freezing cold. I thought I was cold because the AC had been on and I had on short sleeves, but it was still cold. As I made my presentation, I wrapped myself up in my coat and just kept talking.

I felt fine.
Aside from the headache and being super cold.
I felt fine.

I chatted with the members and then got in the car and drove home. Amy (my best friend) and I talked the entire drive home. When I reached, I ran up the three flight of stairs and went to the bathroom because nature was calling. But I was still cold. Really cold. I turned off the AC in the house and even turned on the heat before stepping inside the shower for my evening cleaning. But right before I stepped in, I took my temperature.

101.4

No, that had to be wrong.
Try the other side of my mouth.

101.5

Clearly, this thing is broken.
Try under the arm.

99.8

Ok, I have a fever.
But I’m gonna shower and go to sleep.

I stepped in the shower and cranked the hot water so that I could fight off the chills that I felt. I felt a little off, but I needed to shower so that I could brush my teeth and go to sleep.

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Step one: Wash my face
Feeling a little lightheaded here, but God, if You want me to seek medical attention, Ima need a BIG sign!

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Step two: Clean my body
Feeling really dizzy here, but I’m just gonna keep going. I’m almost finished after all.
Whoa. Feeling really lightheaded here… gotta hurry up.

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Step three: Clean my lady parts
Starting to feel really dizzy and a bit nauseous here. The room is kinda spinning and I do not feel right at all. Let me wash this soap off and come out of the shower.

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Somehow I quickly rinsed off and then hopped out of the shower, turning off the water in the process. But I didn’t feel right. In fact, I started to cry and scream out loud for my mother.

MOM! MOM! MOM! PLEASE COME!

I came out of the bathroom but that is the last thing I remember before waking up on the floor next to my frantic mother speaking to a 911 operative. Tears rolling down my face, I began to panic. I’ve never passed out before. I’ve never seen my mother so scared before. I’ve never felt more helpless than I did at that particular moment. Just then, all the medical training I had ever received kicked in.

Don’t get up.
Don’t move.
Lie still.
Don’t move your neck.
Thank God for amazing nurses who happen to be friends.

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In between sobs, I started to pray. I knew God wasn’t finished with me yet so I started to cry out to Him. FATHER, please hear Your daughter! I asked my mom for my phone…and for my bible. I called my sister and told her to call Amy. Then I called my pastor. It was 10pm at night and he had been sick all week, but he is my spiritual person so I had to call him. He could hear the panic in my voice… and I could hear initial panic in his. But he prayed and offered to stay on the phone with me until the EMTs told me to get off the phone.

I’m so grateful for him.

I continued to clench my bible and my pastor told me to call out the name of Jesus, so I did. Jesus. By no other name on earth can man be healed. Jesus. The sweetest name I know.

My mom rushed to put some clothes on me, running nervously from room to room to get both me and herself dressed for the arrival of the EMTs.

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The EMTs arrived and started doing their work. BP, normal. Blood sugar, normal. Pulse, normal- all things considered. But when they lifted me up, they felt the warmth of my body. Temperature, not normal. I had a fever. Reluctantly, I agreed to go to the hospital. Stand up, Michelle, it’s time to get on the stretcher.

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You know those little Facebook games that allocate points based on things that you have done in life? Riding a bike, 1 point. Breaking a bone, 1 point. Riding in an ambulance, 1 point. Yeah, up until last night I had never been on a stretcher or in an ambulance before. Guess there’s a first time for everything…

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I apologized to the EMTs because Mommy Dearest was being Mommy Dearest. She was fussy and bossy, demanding expedited care for her baby girl. I looked them in the eye and said, “She’s a CNA…and Jamaican…excuse her.” They chuckled and said that they understood. In the ambulance I texted errybody and told them what was going on. I gave out my mother’s cell phone number and people started to reach out to her for updates.

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Once in the hospital, I continued to clench my bible, asking God what He needed me to drop off of my schedule because clearly, something needed to go. I opened up to Jeremiah 30:17 the verse that Amy had sent me and I read it.

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My head was hurting.
My back was hurting.
I had a slight pain in my stomach.
I was still cold.
And now I was super thirsty.

“Nothing to eat or drink.” That’s all everyone kept saying. My mouth was so parched and my throat was screaming for water. They hooked up the EKG leads and said that it was necessary because I passed out. Reading, normal. Then the waiting game began.

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In my pain, I counted as each unattended minute went by. I knew they were busy but I was thirsty and in pain, so I after 80 minutes, I kept pressing the call button and I sent Mommy Dearest out to get me help. A nurse, Christopher, came in after my sister arrived. He was arrogant, offering me water and saying that he could do that because he was a nurse, despite what the previous tech had said. I smelled the arrogance but I ignored it because he gave me water.

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Between 10pm when I arrived and 650am when I left, I underwent an EKG test, CT scan, back x-rays, an ultrasound, and several blood test (they took a lot of my blood!). For the most part, everything came back normal… except for the heart murmur and the gallstones that were found.

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Gallstones.
Heart murmur.

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Ok, God, again I ask- what are You telling me to let go? Clearly there is something that You do not want me to do, something that You need me to let go of… but can You please be more specific? Considering the lack of cranial bleeding, apparently I really am hard-headed… so can You please be more explicit in Your message?

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I love God and I love our relationship. He knows His child and He works hard to get His point across to me. Yet He has this overwhelming, never-ending, wreckless love for me that never dies. I just love Him.

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Now as I sit in my bed, after having slept the day away, I have time to think about the grace of God. He really did spare my life. The events of the last 20 hours helped me to see the fragility of life… and the heavy call that is on my life. While I don’t know exactly what He has planned, I can tell more than anything that He is calling me for more and needs to sit me down long enough to flesh through everything.

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Well God, I’m all ears.

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But of course, I have a weird sense of humor, so I think of my post from Tuesday… you know, the one about my heart. I don’t know exactly what God is saying but I can see that He is speaking through my heart for His purpose. He is removing some people and reintroducing others because He needs to have my undivided attention.

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Father, remove who You must and reintroduce according to Your will. I will not fight, I will not argue. I simply kneel at Your throne in full submission to Your way.

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Will you pray with me?
Will you rejoice with me?
Will you thank God in advance with me?

I’m healing- physically and spiritually- and I am trusting God in this process.

Be blessed.