I cannot stay…

Dear Wretchedness,
I’m sorry, but I cannot stay.

For many years I lived in the pain that one person caused me…
I was drowning in my depression and avoidance of life.
The hurt that I experienced was enough to shut me off from the world for life,
Yet I was forced to live and life only got harder.

The food, the men, the alcohol, the everything…
I sought the comfort of many things,
Hoping to break free from the suffocating presence of life.
I wanted to continue on that way forever…

But I’m sorry, I cannot stay.

I made the mistake of ending a toxic relationship and finally learning who I was.
From there my eyes opened and I saw the beauty that dwelt within me.
I learned that my past pained me for a purpose,
I learned that my scars were now poised to set me free.

I had never known the meaning love until the day I learned to knew my Father.
I had grown up without Him and I never truly knew what I was missing with His absence…
But as I soon learned, He was always there with me.
He was always there and He had always cared.

Little by little, I gave my fears, my problems, and my worries over to Him.
He would wipe every tear, soothe every issue, and remove all fear.
It wasn’t easy to trust Him, but it was easier than living in my pain.
I don’t know how He did it, but He tore down every barrier wall that I had created before Him.

I wanted to stay broken…
I wanted to stay silent…
I wanted to stay captive…
But God had other plans.

So, no, I cannot stay.

I cannot stay in my past…
I cannot stay in my fears…
I cannot stay in my anger…
I cannot stay in my fears…

I cannot stay in complacency…
I cannot stay in ignorance…
I cannot stay in misery…
I cannot stay in pain…

Actually, I’m not sorry, but I still cannot stay.

I have to move on to embrace the freedom that God has for me.
There is so much peace outside of you…
So much joy, love, and laughter away from you-
Why did I even stay with you for so long?

You were comfortable, yes, but not healthy for me.
You were easy, yes, but damaging in the end.
You were carefree, yes, but offered no accountability.
You were always there, yes, but completely unreliable.

It is impossible; I cannot stay.

I am breaking free from you;
I’m letting go of who I used to be.
There is so much more beyond you…
And that is where I am headed.

I actually want to thank you…
If it had not been for our years together,
I would not have the strength to say this now:
I am en route to my destiny and I cannot stay with you.

One Reply to “I cannot stay…”

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