I am in need of your prayers. On October 3rd when I posted that my uncle died, I requested prayer for my mom and my family. I was intentional about my words because, truthfully, I was not in mourning… but I knew others in my family were.
Tomorrow we will hold a memorial and honor his life and I am STRUGGLING because I am in an intense battle between my mind and my heart…
My heart knows that I am not the same girl who ate “the whole refrigerator” to cope with the pain of incestuous rape… but my mind feels the need to prove that to my family who ridiculed me for my weight as a child.
My heart knows that I am not just some bastard child, born of an American, instead I am the daughter of the King…but my mind feels the need to prove that I have done more with my life than others.
For the past 16 days I have told myself that I was going to support my mother…but the truth is, I am going because of a charge that God placed on my heart and in my life. In my journey towards freedom and healing in Christ, He is calling me to face pain (with Him) and remove the “power” that I had given it over my life. AND THIS IS HARD! But I am choosing to continue to take steps with God and continue to let Him set me free.
God, please help me because I have avoided this side of my family for over a decade because seeing them reminds me of too much pain from my mother’s past… seeing them reminds me of too much pain from my sisters’ pasts… seeing them reminds me of too much pain from my past.
As I write this, I hear “Surround” by Michael W. Smith and I recall the sermon series of Pastor Henry referencing being authenticated by God and the spiritual/physical battle between David and Goliath… in this moment I know that tomorrow will have its difficulties…but it will also have God’s strength.
Please pray for me…