Que Sera Sera…

I grew up without the presence of my father, his side of the family, and my mother’s family. The only family I knew or really associated with were the people who lived inside of my home- my mother and siblings (two sisters and two brothers). The only grandparent that I had was my maternal grandmother but we were not close and she preferred my cousins over me and my siblings. My mother was one of six children, the only girl, but she was not close with her brothers, either. Lastly, because of our age gaps, my siblings and I were not very close. It’s safe to safe that family gatherings were nonexistent.

Growing up, I did not know if my father had sisters and I knew that my mother did not, still all I wanted was to be an aunt and have the presence of an aunt figure in my life. There was literally a point in my life when I wanted to be an aunt more than I wanted to be a mother. I guess I just wanted what I did not have….

Due to the trauma from my youth, I would often seek from others the relationships that I lacked in my family. I did not have a father so I gravitated towards my best friend’s father. I did not have an aunt so I gravitated towards my best friend’s aunts. Basically, her family filled every void that I had.

Then one day I received the news from my eldest sister that I had been waiting for forever- she was pregnant and I was soon to become an aunt! I did not fully understand what that meant at the time but I knew that I would do my best to love my niece or nephew the way that my best friend’s aunts had loved me.

As the years passed, one niece turned into four and then I reconnected with my father’s side of the family- adding two nephews to my Auntie Club. I was content. I was happy. And just like it so often happens, when I was my happiest, the enemy crept in to steal it all away…

Separation…

Physical and emotional distance separate me from my nephews. On my father’s side, I have one brother; a brother that I did not know and have only meet two or three times in my entire life. He has two boys and I did not meet them until they were nine and four years old. They knew I was their father’s sister and that I loved them with my whole heart, but we were just not that close. Time and bonding will change this, I am sure, but until that day, I keep them in my prayers and heart.

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My nieces on the other hand… that’s a different situation…

My mother’s four children each have one daughter apiece (hence the four nieces). As quickly as one came into my life, the relationship with another ended. I am now at the point where I only have a healthy relationship with one niece. (Read Fat people don’t get raped… , My Butterfly… ,and Letters of Love (pt 2)… to understand my family dynamics).

But there’s joy…

A part of me feels so heartbroken that I do not have a relationship with my siblings or their children. It hurts so badly that the emotional pains often transform into physical pain. I look at my Butterfly every day and wish that I could be with my other little ones… but it’s not possible at this time. Yet and still, I fall on my knees every night, praying for my siblings, their spouses, and my nieces and nephews. They consume my every prayer; almost every conversation with God is filled with well wishes for them all…even though I cannot be with them.

Despite the pain that their current absence brings, I find joy because I know that God is a healer and a full mender of families. He literally did it for me once so I know He can do it again.

I rest in the fact that although I grew up without my aunts, I was reunited with them later in life and we are as close as ever now. Yes, we were separated for over two decades but today they hold a large place in my heart. That is nothing but God! So I will continue to pray and trust God’s timing for our lives.

Reflection…

The situations that led to divisions in my family cannot be undone; at this point, all I can do is pray. While my family’s story may not be yours, there is one major point that I can convey: time and prayer do heal all wounds.

As we pray, we must trust that God is able to do all things and that He does all things well. So in all of life’s situations, we must pray and trust- never one without the other- always believing that God is greater than whatever our problems may be.

As I write this, I hear Doris Day’s Que Sera Sera playing, reminding me that whatever will be, will be…

Trust in Him, beloved; hold to His unchanging hand.

Be blessed.

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