And, finally, I knew what it felt like to relax.

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I am well aware of the fact that in recent weeks, my writing has taken a drastic shift to focus on my faith through the lens of my ADHD and that healing journey. I am well aware, and I am wholly unapologetic. You see, for the majority of my life, I was made to feel guilty about my thoughts, my behavior, my “personality”, and so much more… when it turns out that there was an entire disorder and reason behind my being.

I have ADHD.
I am neurodivergent.
I have a reason.

And because I am finally learning [and loving] who I am, I had to make a shift in how I write as my writing can no longer come from a place of yearning, but now must come from a place of victory.

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This past weekend, King and I snuck away to a local cabin for a few days of relaxation and restoration. Despite drastically reducing my workload and slashing my calendar to a mere fraction of its previous capacity, I still feel severely drained and often overwhelmed by what does remain. My mind, body, and finances needed a break from my normal day-to-day life, and this 5-day, 4-night getaway was the break that I had been silently begging for. In the days and hours preceding our departure, I had written out the items that I needed to buy from the grocery store so that I could cook delicious meals for King and me. One thing that I was dead set on doing was making sure that we had everything in the cabin that we needed to be self-sufficient. I did not want us to have to run to a store for anything or be short on food due to a lack of planning. So I made a list, checked it twice, and prepared for our retreat. I knew I wouldn’t be able to control everything, but that which I could control, I would own. I wanted to cater to King in a way that I had never been able to before. Rest for me looked like making sure that King was well-fed and cared for. Being docile and domestic brings my heart joy, and this trip was allowing me to do what I loved. I was excited! When Thursday’s work day ended and Spring Break officially began, I stepped out of my school building with excitement and anticipation.

I was ready!

While we had visited this specific cabin retreat location before, that experience was one year into our relationship and two years before I even considered medication for my ADHD. I remember being so anxious during that cabin visit- just thinking about the critters and animal visitors that could make an appearance- that I could not fully relax. My mind was racing towards a million thoughts at any one time, and I remember just being tense and overwhelmed. There was even a moment when King and I had stepped outside to admire the view, but when we had returned inside, I noticed that a stink bug had attached itself to one of my locs. As someone terrified of bugs (and the odor of stink bugs), I freaked out and struggled greatly to relax that evening. I kept thinking about the snakes that could crawl up, catch me unaware, and then kill me where I lay/sit/stand. Also, even though I knew we were going to a cabin, I didn’t realize that it had a fully stocked kitchen and was nowhere near a grocery store or real civilization. Needless to say, we were grossly underprepared back then. Truth is, while my body was physically present at that cabin years ago, my mind was everywhere but there. And if I’m being even more honest, that’s how I was with 99% of the spaces where my body entered before medication. I was physically present but never mentally present. Yet this time was different.

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When I say that ADHD medication has changed my whole life, I mean it. And when I say that God not only hand-selected this medication for me but that He also divinely ordained this time for healing, I mean that, too. I have heard the horror stories of people bouncing from one medication to another, trying to find the one that will work best for them. I even remember my time on medication for depression and how that medication failed me. But this experience has been different. At the end of 2024, when I met with God to identify how 2025 would go, He said I needed to release my schedule. While I did do as He had instructed, I never could have imagined that He was freeing my schedule to allow for uninterrupted healing time. However, as the months passed, He slowly revealed His healing plan, and even now, I still sit in awe of His majesty.

You see, for far too long, I equated having a busy schedule with being successful. I erroneously thought that if I was in every meeting and invited into every room, others were finally realizing that I was important, and I also based my worth on their opinions. Over the past year, I have come to realize that just as not everyone will appreciate a $17,000 Hermes purse, not everyone will appreciate me. And just as the value of that Hermes bag does not depreciate based on the opinions of a few, my value does not depreciate either. With God’s help, I slowly backed out of the rooms that I once fought to occupy, and I politely removed myself from the tables that I begged to sit at. I began to realize that it was more important to be intently focused on a few precious things than to be widely scattered across diverse interests. Once I learned that, not only did my calendar get lighter, but so did my heart and mind. I learned how to say no, and I learned the power of my yes; both have become sacred words to me. Lightening my load has unburdened my mind and- finally- I can relax.

When I tell you that I didn’t do anything this weekend- I MEAN IT! Once King and I arrived at the cabin, we did not drive our car again until this morning when we left. Yes, I cooked meals and washed dishes, but I did not stress, I did not fuss, I did not worry. I was at peace. Even as I watched a few ants crawl around the cabin (I mean, it is their home territory), saw the back porch get invaded by bees the size of Texas, and heard one too many Northern Cardinals fly into the glass windows of our cabin, I found the rest that my soul had been longing for for far too long.

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What I have learned about ADHDers is that our nervous systems never truly find rest. Because our nervous system is more interest-based than priority-based, we are always striving for the next best thing that will give us the supply of dopamine that we need to make it through the day. We often move from one high to another, never allowing our mind or body to just breathe and be still. We thrive in the “confusion” and feel confused (or dysregulated) in the peace. We are neurodivergent; our brains just work differently. For decades, I did not know or understand this about myself. I thought that it was ok to be overwhelmingly busy throughout the day, and then crash so hard at night. I thought I was selfish when I took “M.E. time,” days when I stayed in my room away from the world so that I could recharge, because that meant that I was saying NO to someone else. I felt guilty when I did not agree to every opportunity that was presented to me. If I couldn’t be everything that everyone expected and needed, I felt like a failure and like I was disappointing God.

But, thank God, all of that has changed.

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Today I am both grateful for life and grateful for the word NO. It is a two-letter word that is also a complete sentence. It does not require further explanation, and when uttered in response to a request, serves as more than enough of a reason. I recognize that people from the Southern United States may read this, so I want to add something special for them: be sure to say, “no, Ma’am” or “no, sir.” 🙂 Yet, regardless of your location, know this:

If something costs you your peace, it is too expensive.
If something attempted to take your joy, it is not worth it.
If something does not align with God’s plan for your life, it is not for you.
If something does not provide opportunities for you to rest, it will never pour into you.

From my current place of rest, I can reset my body and focus on the items that it needs to come out of survival mode and fully dwell in THRIVING mode. I am blessed to now be able to appreciate beautiful acts of God, like watching the sun rise in the morning or set in the evening. It is as though I am a new person, finally seeing God’s beauty like I never did before. I am so blessed; I am so grateful…. and I desire the same for you.

So, in this season, Beloved, rest and be well.

Be blessed.