Depleted Battery

I get it.
Constantly inviting me to events that I do not attend is disappointing, and some might even say disrespectful or frustrating.
Yet please know that me constantly inviting my emotions and mind to be present when I need them the most, and them deciding not to show up is equally disappointing… disrespectful… and frustrating.

More than most will ever understand, I do try my hardest to be physically and mentally present in all situations, but it does not always happen. My heart’s desire to be present for those that I love and care about is often vetoed by my mind’s belief that danger and pain await me. I don’t avoid out of a lack of respect; I avoid because the fear of what might happen to me if I do attend is stronger than my will to actually go. No, there’s no F.O.M.O. (fear of missing out) here… there is only F.O.G.O. (fear of going out). And because of that, I stay home.

Truthfully, just check on your neurodivergent friend!

This past Friday, I was presented with the opportunity to have a girls’ night with some of the women from church. Last month, we got together at another sister’s home, and it was a fun experience (overwhelming, but fun nonetheless). So when the text invitation came to attend this month’s social event, my hands paused at a fork in the road as I weighed my feelings and options. I recalled the laughter and the sisterhood from the event last month, and I eagerly wanted to respond YES! Yet I also recalled how much energy it took for me to be present and how drained I felt later, prompting my thumbs to drift towards a NO. In the end, I heeded King’s wise words, and with five minutes left to RSVP, I said… YES.

All week, I went about the events of my busy schedule with no regard for the sisterhood event that was confirmed for Friday night. Similar to the words in Matthew 6, each day had enough troubles of its own, and there was no room to think ahead to Friday. The stress of each day, unfortunately, followed me into my bedroom and my sleep, causing me to have horrible nightmares all week long. I felt off, and all I wanted was for Saturday to come so that I could peacefully sit in my bed and temporarily disconnect from the real world. As Friday approached, the cause of my internal turmoil became abundantly clear- it was PMS. Aunt Flow was due to make her monthly visit, and this month her impending presence was wreaking havoc on my emotions. Every day I felt more weepy than the day before, and each night I yearned for time alone more than the night before. It felt as though I not only had no control over my emotions, but that I also had no control over my own life.

After yet another less-than-satisfactory night of sleep, I arose Friday morning knowing that I would need all of God’s strength just to make it through my work day. In the span of what felt like milliseconds, I ran through the events of my calendar in my mind. After considering all that I had to do in the day, the girls’ night seemed like the best and only event that truly did not require my attendance. It was scheduled for 7pm that evening, and at 5:35am, even the mere thought of still being social 13.5 hours later was too overwhelming to consider. I felt horrible cancelling at the last minute, but I knew that it was for the best. Even when I start my day on a fully charged social battery, by the end of the workday, I am typically at 40%. But on Friday, Aunt Flow and her emotional friends had me starting my day at 80% and feared what the rest of the day would bring.

My therapist always talks about spoons and potatoes in a pot. While I’m sure that there is some great Freudian-type reference there, I’ll be honest in admitting that I never fully understood what he was talking about. In fact, whenever he spoke about me not having enough spoons in the day or room in my pot for more potatoes, my mind would switch the words to an idiom that made more sense to me- an overworked battery.

You see, each day, I start with a certain percentage, and the events of the day can either add to or further deplete my battery. Time spent with King, by bodies of water, or relaxing alone with God can either recharge my battery or leave me neutral, in that they do not drain or recharge. Everything else drains my battery. Read that again. Everything else drains my battery. I love people very much, but just like the devices that surround us, my social battery depletes with usage, and even the simplest tasks expend energy that I might regret having used later in the day. Even writing- which I LOVE and view as a true gift from God- depletes my battery percentage in the best of ways. Ask any physicist, and they will tell you about the Law of Conservation of Energy (or the First Law of Thermodynamics). Since energy is never created or destroyed but simply moves from one thing to the next, it is very possible for me to love what I do or the time that I spend with others, while simultaneously acknowledging that it drains me beyond words to be present for all the things.

Regardless of what is happening within me, I know that my absence hurts others. I know that it stings when someone takes the time to invite me to something important of theirs, and for whatever reason, I am unable to attend. In a time when everything comes at a cost, I fully recognize that planning for the attendance of someone and then that person being unable to attend impacts the host in several ways. Yet I also add that for me, the NO is never malicious… I’m just in power-save mode, trying to stay alive for the time being. Finally taking medication for my ADHD has not removed the feelings of inadequacy or the desire to be alone. Still, the medication has caused me to identify the root of the feelings and how to press forward in life despite those feelings.

To my loved ones, I wish I could tell you in advance which days will be good and which will be bad. I wish I could predict how my mind will respond to various experiences in my life. I wish so badly… but I cannot. What I can tell you is that no matter what my battery percentage may be, my love for you remains unchanged; I may be drained, but I never tire of you.

And speaking of tired…

This Friday is Good Friday, but it is also the start of Spring Break for my school district. King and I are going on a trip, and I will be incommunicado for the week. Please pray for our safe travel and for our relaxation. Too often, we say, “I’ll rest when I’m dead,” not realizing that our lack of rest can expedite our permanent removal from earth.

God rested.
Jesus rested.
You can rest, too.
Rest and recharge your battery.

Be blessed.