I love God.
And I have a mental illness.
And several disabilities.

---

Despite what some may believe, my love for God does not magically erase or counteract my illness or disabilities. My love for Him does not cause me to wake up every day without pain and with the ability to silence the voices that are in my head.

I love God with all of my heart!

However, my illness and disabilities often cause me to forget my faith in God. The weight of my burdens is often too much for me to bear, and I find myself hiding from God and the world as I fight just to live that day. There are days when my mind is flooded with thoughts of hopelessness and despair, allowing no room whatsoever for the mere thought of God to penetrate through. I wake up some mornings with a literal pain in my heart, frozen in anxiety about what lies ahead in my day. And still, there are days when I cry myself to sleep because the actions of my day were too much, and I feel like I lost myself at some point.

Yes, I love God, but can we honestly admit that sometimes that’s just not enough???

Ooooh, this might get uncomfortable for some…

---

Since I was a child, I remember hearing my mother’s response to every situation: “Just pray about it.” Whether it was physical, financial, academic, or otherwise, my mother led me to believe that simply praying about a situation would make it better. Now, to be clear and fair, if presented with the options of praying about something or complaining about it, at least praying is an action that more often yields desired results… but still. My mother did not then and still does not now believe in therapy. She has never believed that talking to a licensed and trained professional about one’s problems will work to resolve said problems. After my childhood trauma, she was encouraged to send me to therapy- and she did- but whenever the therapist would ask to see my mother in session, I would stop attending therapy and start all over again when my unresolved issues resurfaced. I never understood why she did not perceive therapy to be God’s answer to my prayers…

So I attended church like a good Christian. I fasted and prayed. I attended Bible studies. I sang in the choir. I served as an usher. I worked on the audio/visual ministry. I joined prayer ministries. I was a member of the Deaf ministry. I interned with the finance ministry. I taught Vacation Bible School. I went to retreats. I fellowshipped with the women. I fellowshipped with the young people. I became a licensed minister. I tithed [my full 10%]. I did all the things… yet the pain of my mental illness and my disabilities still consumed all of me. I was dying on the inside, but all that folks saw was the servant of the Lord who always showed up. For the record, my physical attendance has never been an issue. The problem is that I was seldom ever present anywhere, emotionally or mentally.

And- very respectfully- attending all the Sunday morning services in the world was not going to change that.

To be honest, it seems like in the church we tend to dismiss all illnesses as being “not of God,” while simultaneously stiff-arming all accountability like an offensive back competing for the coveted Heisman Trophy. To many, religion is the be-all, end-all to their faith, and that God needs no help. All while praying and thanking God for the first doctor, lawyer, therapist, etc., to come about in our families. (That’s actually pretty wild. We thank God for a relative who got accepted into medical school, but often refuse to visit a doctor for our own ailments, erroneously believing that just prayer will cure us. Faith without works… SMH!)

---

Please understand that I am in no way, shape, or form bashing prayer, but I’m just encouraging us to truly understand that MORE is needed.

Yes, I know God can restore my finances. But I also have to stop frivolously spending money.
Yes, I know God can make my family whole again. But I also have to report illegal behavior and allow victims to get legal justice.
Yes, I know God can heal me of my addictions. But I also have to step away from my vices and those who enable my addictions.
Yes, God can… but I must do some work, too.
Yes, God can… but we must do some work, too.

And that’s the part that people do not want to hear. The part that requires them to also do work??? Yeah, stiff-armed again.

However, after exactly seven months of being on medication for one of my disabilities, I am realizing that more is required. I love God, but prayer is no longer enough- I have to do the work.

So that’s what I am doing.

I am clenching both my Bible and my journal as I unapologetically navigate healing by all means necessary. I fully recognize that some days may look different from others, but each day will require me to show up authentically if I expect any real healing to occur. Simply put, I can no longer keep expecting God to do His part if I am too lazy or too unaware to do mine. I’ve spent my entire life expecting God to fight my battles, without even acknowledging the fact that I have to show up on the battlefield to claim my victory.

---

Beloved, today I am fighting for my life from that place of victory. That place where I know that God can AND I know that He will YET I know that I have to do my part. I will pray, but I will also do the work here on earth that contributes to my healing. I will draw boundary lines around my time and heart. I will render more NOs than YESes and no longer feel bad about it. I will stop overexplaining myself or feeling like every person is owed an explanation at all. I will finally accept the truth that part of what was killing me was trying to live for everyone else. I will never forsake God’s work or His people… but I will finally accept that I am deserving of the same grace and love that I tell others they need.

Yes, I love the Lord and, yes, I have a mental illness and several disabilities, but I also have victory.

And so do you.

Be blessed.