While I can’t find the posts right now, I distinctly remember running to social media to share all that I been able to accomplish in a short amount of time. I remember glorifying my busy schedule and saying something to the effect of, “I did more in [insert time period] than most people do in a lifetime!” I was so proud of myself. I lived as though someone was giving out a prize for being the busiest person in the world, and I was desperately vying for that title. My life revolved around my calendars. Yes, calendars- plural. In my phone, I had five calendars synced to show me what was supposed to happen on any given day. Today, I can proudly say that there are only four calendars… progress is progress. Nevertheless, busyness consumed, fueled, and killed me all at the same time. Considering how I used to live my life, I never thought I would be here in this place right now…
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the need to be perfect. Some may chalk it up to my birth order, alleging that being the last child made me yearn for my mother’s attention and therefore made me strive for perfection. Others may argue that coming from a Jamaican family contributed to my need to be perceived as anything except “lazy” because Jamaicans are always working. Yet there may be a few who claim that religion has made me prone to busyness because “idle hands are the Devil’s playground.” While truth may lie in all of those theories, my truth is that I overcommitted and overextended myself because of my ADHD. For me, juggling multiple things at one time seemed like a fun game to occupy my time. Perhaps to some extent, I believed that the contents of my busy schedule might earn me a spot in heaven one day, but the reality is that I hated saying no to people and loved what I loved…until I didn’t.
The irony of believing that the contents of my schedule might earn me a seat in heaven is that my schedule kept me from truly communing with God. Yes, I went to church, attended Bible study, served on ministries, and wrote here on my blog, but I was doing most of that from a place of compulsion and obligation, rather than a place of desire and devotion. All of my life, I had been admonished to serve others, and I don’t think I fully understood that serving others comes at a great cost to oneself. As I continued to give more of myself to this committee and that committee, there remained less of me to have for myself. I soon noticed that, like an unfinished puzzle, there were pieces of me scattered about, but there was no complete picture of who I was.
“Just ask Michelle, she’ll say ‘yes.’”
That must have been tattooed on my body somewhere. Either that or those were the words on a flag that proudly waved in the place where my boundaries once resided. Students, colleagues, church family, and friends alike all knew to come to me because not only would I say yes, but I would get things done. In a professional sense, I can see how that might be considered a badge of honor. Yet in a realistic sense, that is extremely unhealthy. I gave way more than I had to give, and even with that, I felt like I hadn’t given enough. Anxiety, negative self-talk, and functional depression were constant companions that stayed with me throughout every waking moment of my day. Then at night, when I should have been granted a reprieve, paranoia and fears of inadequacy would lull me into an unconscious paralysis that mimicked restful slumber.
I was a mess. I was aiming for MAGNIFICENT, but I overshot and landed in “mess” more often than not. The need for perfection was not sustainable, and if I continued on the trajectory, death was bound to find me. I am thankful for God and His unwavering love for me. He, too, saw the pain that I was in and constantly reminded me that He had not intended for me to live this way. No matter what the cause may have been, He declared that He had always wanted peace for my life. This time last year He decided to stop being subtle. In place of His calm, soft voice, He LOUDLY (in all caps) told me to drop the load. His telling me to release some items from my schedule was not alarming. However, when I realized that three of the items that He wanted me to release were things that came with a financial incentive, I almost cried. Again, I’m not one to question God, but I low-key did raise my eyebrows a bit and wonder if I’d heard Him correctly. Surely there had to be a way to keep at least one of those three things, right, God? Nope; they had to go. He gave grace so that I could give notice, but my stepping down was a big of a surprise to me as it was to those who had received my resignation letter.
To the untrained eye, it might have appeared as though I was just quitting, giving up, and choosing to walk away. In reality, I was doing the exact opposite; I was choosing to continue with something that I had dismissed for far too long- the development of M.E. By choosing to honor the desires of everyone else, I was dishonoring the desires of my own heart. I remember years ago my pastor had sat me down and encouraged me to find one thing that I loved and focus on that. He wanted me to stop overcommitting and overextending, but the issue was that I didn’t know what I loved. I knew that I enjoyed pleasing others, but I did not know what pleasing myself looked like. Stepping away from all of the obligations was designed to leave only my passion behind. The notion worked in theory… but would require a great amount of work to become a reality.
Several months after my mass resignation letter send-off, I found myself finally ready to address the biggest matter at hand- my ADHD. Yes, I knew that this was a lifelong disorder, but I had declared that I no longer wanted it to live my life for me. I was ready to truly find relief from the symptoms that had plagued me for decades, and I sought support in taking the next step. What I did not know at the time was just how much ADHD had impacted my life and created the version of M.E. that people saw. From procrastination to perfectionism, ADHD was the solution to almost everything that had riddled everyone- myself included. Additionally, what ADHD had not contributed to was actually a “gift” from my PTSD. Oh, joy. I soon realized more truth- it would take more than a few weeks or months to overcome what ADHD had spent a lifetime creating.
Fast forward to today. It’s been a little over five months since I decided to reclaim my life. Much like my soror, Congresswoman Maxine Waters, I was ready to get back what had always been rightfully mine. No more excuses, no more wasting time- just give me back what belongs to me. In my journey towards reclamation, I have been blessed to discover many beautiful things (well, beautiful to me at least):
- I love mentoring youth.
- Spending money is overrated.
- Not every thought need be spoken.
- Rest is mandatory, not optional.
- It’s ok to just let go.
- Protect your peace at all costs.
- I love writing
But let me focus on that last one for just a bit. In the past couple of weeks, I have rediscovered my love for writing. I have been able to sit down and commune with God, allowing me to release all of what’s inside of me… eloquently, and in a way that both pleases God and appeals to readers. Although let’s be clear, appealing to readers is NOT the purpose of my writing. This gift that I have been given was always there, waiting to POP out and be shared with the world, but so many other factors dimmed its light and prevented it from shining.
For 2026, God has called me to “Write the Vision” (inspired by Habakkuk 2:2-3)… and that’s exactly what I intend to do. Writing is my heartbeat, my call to freedom, and the wind beneath my wings. While I cannot speak every thought (because my filter is either gone or inoperable), I can take the time to write the words on my heart. And that is a blessing.
One day last month, I was looking for the date in 2024 that I had last gotten a physical. I had to scroll all the way back through my calendar, and in doing so, I nearly had a panic attack as I looked at all that I used to do. I saw all of the colors, all of the entries, and I was overwhelmed! I stopped for a second to ask God how I managed to do all of those things back then, if just looking at them in that moment was too much to bear. While I couldn’t see His response, I can imagine that He, His angels, and Jesus were all shaking their heads at me and saying, “Chelle, I told you so…” before turning to one another and chuckling just a bit. Today, I give all the glory to God for slowing me down just enough for me to find my heart’s truest joy.
Beloved, what brings you joy? Not “what brings you income?” or “what do others like to see you do?” But truly, what brings you joy? If you know the answer, praise God; that is a true blessing! Continue to pursue that joy! If you don’t know the answer, spend some time with God today and in the coming weeks; let Him speak to your heart.
Be blessed.
God Happened To ME Ministries, LLC 
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