I struggled to catch my breath as a strong gust of air rudely slapped me in the face. All I had done was open the door, and there it was, the wind that threatened to take my life away. With forces that resembled those of a devastating hurricane, the winds showed no mercy and no regard for me or my life. Not only did breathing no longer seem like an immediate possibility, but fully functioning and living beyond that moment seemed impossible, too. I writhed and squirmed, gasping for full control of my body. I clutched at my throat, praying that relief would soon find me. Yet it seemed like my efforts were in vain because the more I fought, the more the air suffocated me, pulling me deeper into submission. I had to stop fighting; I had to admit defeat. Surrendering appeared to be the only option for me, so I did just that. Falling to my knees, I gave up the losing battle and accepted my fate. After what seemed like hours, I was finally able to breathe again. I slowly consumed the very air that had almost consumed me. In small, manageable chunks, I inhaled and exhaled- equal parts grateful… and afraid. Was this a victory or a harrowing loss? In the moment, I was unsure, but I knew clarity would soon come.

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Since starting Strattera exactly four months ago today, my entire life has changed. And, no, I am not being dramatic. Not only has it allowed me to rein in my ADHD symptoms and better regulate my emotions (and life), it has also allowed me to lose over 20 pounds, save hundreds- if not thousands- of dollars by not impulse shopping, and see the world more clearly. I truly feel like I am a new woman, a version of M.E. that I have never seen before, and I give God all the praise for this new lease on life. The healing that I spoke so often about has finally come to me, and my heart just sings out in unabashed praise to our God! Yet even with the joys of this medication, I have to note that it has come with some major emotional revelations that have left me [figuratively] fighting for my life and struggling to adapt to my new, ever-changing world.

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Last week, I declared that God was ushering me into a new season in my life, but that this season would be accompanied by pain. And, to be honest, no one wants to hear that part. We all want to hear about the bountiful blessings that God plans to bestow upon our lives. However, the part about the arduous journey to get to those blessings? Nah, God can hold onto them forever! Success would be so much easier and taste so much sweeter if it were never tainted with the bitterness of pain, rejection, or heartache. So, while these past four months have been a net-positive blessing for me, there were definitely some negatives that came and had me questioning everything that has occurred during the 39 years that I have been on this earth. To start, it turns out that I am the toxic friend.

One Monday night, I had just gotten home from King’s house, and as I prepared to step into the shower, God’s normally calm presence stunningly swept over me. As I described earlier with my metaphor of the wind, God spoke a reality to me that humbled me, startled me, and terrified me all at the same time. The shocking (but should have been obvious) truth that I value some relationships more/differently than others rocked me to my core and literally caused me to pause in my steps to process what was being said. For over 39 years, I truly believed that I was entitled to reciprocity in relationships, and when I did not get it, I deemed the other person a bad friend, and I walked away. Yes, I recognize how childish and juvenile that sounds, but you must understand one thing- untreated ADHD and depression left me with the emotional wherewithal of a child. I have been emotionally immature in these “adult” streets! (For the record, my licensed therapist was the first one to mention my emotional immaturity and how being on Strattera is finally allowing my emotional age to catch up to my chronological age.) Even as I type this now, my mind is recalling the countless people that I had cut off over the years because they did not wish me a happy birthday, check on me during my deepest bout of depression, or offer congratulations whenever something big occurred in my life. I cringed at the thought of how many possibly good relationships (platonic, familial, romantic, and professional) I had singlehandedly ruined because I was operating with the emotional maturity of a toddler. The list of people that I wanted to apologize to grew with each stroke of my keyboard, and when I realized that the list was too long to bear, I simply prayed their names and asked God to bless them and forgive me. In hindsight, I wondered how many people I had blindsided with my abrupt departure…

Please do not misunderstand, I am not dodging accountability; I am merely highlighting the fact that neurodivergence and mental illness are real, and, combined or independently, they alter the reality of those who live with them. My mind has been so cloudy and distorted for so long that I truly believed that my reality was the true true, and that everyone else was delulu (please excuse the bad pun, but you get the point). I do accept that my behavior is mine alone, yet I am simply sharing that there was a reason for it. Now that I am settled on my Strattera journey, I can see the error of my ways and fight diligently to never do the same thing again.

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While God’s words were painful to receive that night, they were necessary and far better than the alternative of continuing to live with false ideas of grandeur and reciprocity. Yet I will also admit that the realization left me emotionally naked/uncovered, and vulnerable. That night, I wrestled for far too long with the idea of pulling even further away from everyone, so as never to hurt them or myself again. I toyed with the idea of a deeper isolation because it seemed safer than risking more years of loving people more than they love me, and expecting them to care about me the way that I care about them. No one owes me love, and loyalty is not guaranteed to me. I must continue to do what God leads me to do and not be concerned who may (or may not) reciprocate my feelings. Besides, if what I do comes from a place of love, should I be doing it for an expected return anyway??? No. Likewise, should I do something for another simply because they did something for me??? Also, no.

“Love is patient,
Love is kind and is not jealous;
Love does not brag and is not arrogant,
Does not act unbecomingly;
It does not seek its own,
Is not provoked,
Does not take into account a wrong suffered,
Does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
But rejoices with the truth;
Bears all things,
believes all things,
Hopes all things,
Endures all things.
Love never fails…”
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NASB)

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Currently, I am at the place where I am rising from the floor and learning how to breathe again. In this place, I am comforted by the words of the Lord, and my heart exhales peace as it inhales God’s ruach.

Be blessed.