It all began back in June.

I felt an overwhelming urge to stop doing things simply because I had always done them and instead do things because I truly felt led to do them. I had been writing and posting a weekly blog, even when I didn’t feel the content was that strong, simply so that I wouldn’t miss a Monday. I was doing the most in every area of my life, even if I did not have the most to give. I had to keep up the status quo because it was what was expected of me.

Words cannot begin to express how exhausted I was and still am at the thought of living for everyone else.

All of that came to a head on that Monday evening as I sat on King’s couch, profusely crying and literally collapsing under the weight of trying to live for everyone’s happiness but my own. I had just texted my therapist as King and I were recording our weekly Livestream because my situation was just that urgent. I was not ok. Somehow, I had become a passive agent in my own life. This NPC that was seen but not truly needed, and I knew that I could no longer live like that. I no longer wanted to live like that. The constant masking was causing the world to see who they wanted to see, while whoever the real M.E. was was dying on the inside. Thirty-nine years of doing what was expected or desired of me had finally caught up with me, and in that moment, I knew that I had to finally live for M.E.

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As I type this, my “shift song” is playing on Spotify. This is the song that, since 2017, has played whenever God was about to make a shift in my life. The first time He shifted me was on I-95 when this song played right before I was rear-ended by a car and a work truck. That accident led to my inability to work due to pain and the eventual release from the job that I had at the time. I remember when that employer fired me, I walked out of the building with a huge smile on my face. I knew that I would be ok and that God was with me. In between the accident and the firing, this very ministry was born. I shared my testimony and just trusted that the same God who had spared me in that accident would protect me in every area of my life. So hearing this song as I write this particular blog is God’s reminder that yes, a shift is coming and that, indeed, this next part will hurt.

When I went to bed that Monday night after texting my therapist, those were the five words that reverberated in my heart. In fact, not only did I journal about them, but I shared them with King. At the time, I did not have full clarity on what they meant, but I knew that God was about to move and that the move would be for my good. Can I just pause here and share how difficult it is to trust when you cannot see what’s ahead? In fact, when I am driving on the highway, I despise being behind a vehicle that sits higher than my car because I cannot see what’s ahead of me. What if something happens? What if everyone ahead is braking, but the big vehicle immediately in front of me is not because they are distracted? What if there is an obstacle in the road and I cannot see it because of the monster truck in front of me? My mind struggles so greatly to trust what I cannot see for myself. Yet here I am saying that I wholly trust God to pull off some big thing in my life, even though I have absolutely no clue what He is about to do. I do not know how He will move, and I do not know when He will move, but I know that He will… and I trust that it is for my good.

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For both transparency and a future testimony, I want to share what I specifically prayed for that Monday night when I went before the Lord:

• Peace with the decision to postpone moving for six more months
• Guidance and direction on how to proceed professionally
• Strength to finally stand up for myself and not be passive in my own life
• Grace and wisdom to be the Godly wife for King that I believe God has called me to be
• Steadfastness and financial fortitude to break generational- mainly financial- curses

I declared that night that “this next part will hurt,” but God is doing this for my good. “This next part will hurt,” but I will come out stronger than ever before. “This next part will hurt,” but God is going to use this to help someone else. “This next part will hurt,” but God!

Be blessed.

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And in case you were interested in listening to the songs that played as I wrote this, please see the list below:

• Yahweh, All Nations Music
• Hold on, LeAndria Johnson
• Spirit break out, William McDowell
• Gotta Believe, Tasha Cobbs Leonard
• Yes, Shekinah Glory Ministry
• Cycles, Jonathan McReynolds (feat. DOE)
• Hymn Medley, Maverick City Music

I truly believe that God played these songs in a divine order to speak to me in the only way that my mind knows how to receive things. The songs in and of themselves are amazing, but the order- my God- is the key to life-changing power.