According to verywellmind.com (and AI Overview), “ADHD masking is when someone with ADHD presents in a way that makes them seem like they are not living with the disorder. It’s also called ‘impression management.’” And while I’ve known about my ADHD for some time now, I just learned about the term and the act of masking within the last 15 weeks of my being on ADHD medication. You see, in years past, I just laughed off or dismissed my very present symptoms of ADHD. I knew that I was neurodivergent, but I never knew or understood the full impact of the disorder on my entire life and being.

My forgetfulness… ADHD.
My multitasking….. ADHD.
My flakiness…. ADHD.
My overcommitting to people, plans, degrees, and committees… ADHD.
My lack of follow-through…. ADHD.
My lapses in effective communication… ADHD.
My perfectionistic tendencies…. ADHD.
My desire to please others….ADHD.
My obesity and excessive eating… ADHD.
My skin picking… ADHD.
My hair twirling… ADHD.
My overspending… ADHD.
My suffering through undesirable situations… ADHD.
And so much more.

God, how did I even survive for this long?! Just typing all of that out mentally exhausted me to the point of tears. I was so broken for so long, and I didn’t even know it.

Every day I got up, plastered on the nearest smile that I could find, and stepped out into the world seeking to better someone else’s day, while all along, I was dying on the inside. Every YES that I rendered to others was a glaring NO to my own needs; the fear of disappointing others was greater than the fear of disappointing the woman in the mirror. It never mattered how I felt, as long as others had a positive view of me. I wanted to be small, hidden in the background, but never hidden in the hearts of those that mattered to me. Getting feedback from others was so important to me for two reasons- first, it meant that I was seen by that person, and second, I needed to know if I needed to be “better” in their sight. While I’ve never craved attention, I desired to never be forgotten, excluded, or ignored.

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Today, I sit in a precarious position. A place where I am actively asking God to reveal to me who I truly am. Living for others for so long has made me ignorant of my own likes, dislikes, and needs. I believe that I know what brings me joy, but for so long, those things were condemned or dismissed by society and those around me… now I feel like I need permission to indulge. I feel like I need permission to think for myself and live my own life.

For someone who opted for sobriety to alleviate a foreign substance (alcohol) controlling my body, I find it ironically hilarious that a different foreign substance (ADHD medication) has finally given me control of my own mind. I fought the taking of ADHD medication like Jacob wrestled with God in Genesis 32, like Foreman vs. Ali in the Rumble in the Jungle in 1974, and like The Ravens vs. The Bills in week one of this NFL year. What I thought was a loss was actually the greatest win of my life. Though it’s only been a few months, God is using this time to slowly change everything that I thought I knew about myself. To say that I am “grateful” would be a gross understatement of my true appreciation.

Actually, what I am is liberated.

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“It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery,” Galatians 5:1 NASB.

For the past eight years, I have written about freedom in Christ, and here I am, finally living in it. I guess it makes sense since eight is the Biblical number of new beginnings…

Cheers to freedom!

But what I will not do (well, I pray that I will not do) is mistake God’s freedom as a pass to do any ol’ thing that I desire. It is my heart’s sincere prayer that I continue to “seek first His kingdom and His righteousness…” because in doing that, everything that I need will be given to me (Matthew 6:33 NASB).

For decades, I lived under the yoke and bondage of my neurodivergent, ADHD brain. However, it is for freedom that I am set free. Now, watch me as I fly.

Be blessed.