It’s been rather silent lately. Back in June when my therapist recommended that I meet with a psychiatrist to discuss the possibility of taking medication for my ADHD, I was reluctant to consider it for this very reason. While I am not schizophrenic and there were never any actual voices in my head, I did live with considerable clutter in my mind that, in some weird way, kept me company for the majority of my life. I was terrified that if I began taking medication for my ADHD, I would no longer have that clutter that had somehow guided me throughout life. The clutter was overwhelming, to say the least, but it kept me busy and on my toes. I lived my life on a constant pivot, always answering to the call of my clutter- whatever it wanted, I obliged. The clutter had me joining everything, saying YES to everything, thinking all of the time. The clutter was like my best friend, always around and always willing to engage with me. The very clutter that made me impulsive, hyperactive, and inattentive, was the same clutter that made me creative and inspired me to write, start and grow a ministry, and throw myself into expressive avenues. The “noise” was appreciated, serving as a guiding light and anchor in my life.

Now, everything has gone silent.

I’m torn between whether I should be grateful for the silence, basking in the peace that has now found me. Or whether I should be angry, upset that my creativity has lulled and my spark somewhat dimmed. The truth is, I am both; I am equally grateful for the blessing of clarity of mind and the reprieve from obligations, and sorely disappointed that it seems like creativity has alluded me in the worst of ways. Although I love having the ability to focus on only one matter at a time and finding new ways to pass time, sometimes I miss the busyness that consumed me for almost 39 years. Yes, I am a better woman, girlfriend to King, teacher to my students, and so much more, but I recognize that my writing has suffered and the items that once consumed my heart, now sit as distant memories in the same place. I think the purpose of the medication was to help me focus and now that I am focused, the voices of clutter that once ran free in my mind, often supplying the words for my writing,

But I don’t miss the noise.

You see, with the noise came this feeling of obligation. I always felt as though I had to do things… or else. If I did not agree to take on some new club or join a committee, then I felt like I was disappointing everyone around me. The truth is, months before I even began taking medication for my ADHD, God had prepared my life for the lighter load, allowing me to step away from many of the color blocks of time that once consumed my schedule. I am free and while I love it, it is still very new and alarming for me. It has been 12.5 weeks since I first started taking ADHD medication and during this time I have lost over 15 pounds, saved a substantial amount of money (in addition to paying down on debt), and realigned my values to better suit who God has called me to be. I am grateful- beyond grateful- for this new lease on life. Yet I would be lying if I said this was easy. A blessing is a blessing, but that does not mean it will be easy. Truthfully, I do not miss the noise and I do not miss the clutter. I think the feeling that reverberates within me is like that of a caged bird that has finally been set free. I was in bondage to my diagnoses for so long that I never truly knew what freedom looked like. I learned to live within the bars of my cage, believing that life was as good as it would ever get. However, now that the door has been opened and I have been set free, I am able to soar to new heights that I never even dreamt possible. It is both liberating and exhilarating to be in this place and I thank God for it every day.

Thank God, Almighty; I am finally free.

Beloved, whether you are seeking freedom from your past, your mind, or something more, please read John 8:36 or Galatians 5:1. However, I would be remiss if I did not say this- mental illness is real and help is always available. If you are someone you know is experiencing difficultly, please dial 988.

Be blessed.