In a moment of full transparency, I am not ok.

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Not only am I physically battling yet another bug—the third in three months—right as the end of the school year approaches and my duties as a Senior Class Advisor amplify, but I am also mentally and emotionally struggling in a way that I feel is rendering me ineffective at best. I struggle to balance the demands of my schedule versus the needs of everyone around me, and my body is literally caving under the weight of everything. I am stressed, yes, but more than that, I am hurt, and that’s the sea that is raging within me.

As you may have heard in my Daily Dose of Chelle, the 90-second prayer/word of encouragement that I release every day, I stepped down from a position of leadership at the church that I have attended for 10 years. For the past seven years (well, 6.5), I have been blessed to serve on the church’s ministerial team, but last month God called me to step down. The length of this season is completely up to God, but for now, I know that He has called me to rest. His rest request is both ironic and perfectly timed because my resignation was effective April 30th, and May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In the very month that facts/statistics are shared about how Mental Illness impacts all of our communities, God called me to step down from a leadership role at a church that too often ignored my cries for support. I may wear glasses, but even I can see the irony in that.

Yet there I was yesterday, 18 days into my resignation, when my Love asked me a very direct question that unlocked a part of me that I did not know was hidden. My very intuitive mother had asked me the day before if I was going to church on Sunday morning, and I said yes because that was my truth in the moment. However, when Sunday morning had rolled around, it was clear to all that I was not going. My Love called me and very matter-of-factly asked me if I was avoiding my church. I responded with the truth that I believed in at that moment, which was that I was not avoiding them yet, as we spoke, I realized that there was something that I was something so minor that I was avoiding and it was pushing me away.

Where would I sit in church?

During my time in leadership, I sat with all of the preachers in the first or second row of the church. In fact, I had a preferred seat at the end of an inner aisle because I don’t like feeling trapped. That had been “my” seat for so long… where would I sit now? If I sat anywhere else, questions would undoubtedly come (or at least I thought they would), and I would have to explain things to people. I didn’t want to have those conversations and endure the fake concern that never seemed to find me any other time, but magically made an appearance now. So to avoid that, I just avoided church. While I had that revelation on the phone with him, it was after my call with my Love that the tears started to fall. You see, while God did call me to step down, there was some hurt that was behind my actual obedience to His request.

To know me is to know that I procrastinate in doing everything. The way that my mind works is fascinating, and I find myself in awe of what I actually think about at times. To me, it makes perfect sense to wait until the last possible moment to do everything because I love the feeling of adrenaline that flows through me as I rush to beat deadlines. That is an addiction for real! So typically, when I am asked to do something, I delay the request until I know it’s the last minute. I had been experiencing micro-hurts from people at my church for over a year, but I dismissed the pain and kept serving. Yet as the season of Lent approached and I entered into a season of prayer and fasting, God’s voice became louder and my next steps clearer. God called me to step down, and all I needed to hear from Him was an “effective date” before I could submit my letter of resignation. Because I know myself, if I had not experienced those hurts, which started small and grew like an avalanche with time, I would have delayed God’s call.

As I texted my Love yesterday morning, those hurts bubbled to the surface and flowed out of me in uncontrollable tears. For too long, I felt unseen at my place of worship, and, oddly enough, I felt that when I was seen, I was criticized and scrutinized by other imperfect beings. The ultimate knife to my heart was knowing that all of leadership had heard the news of my resignation, yet only five people had reached out to me to express concern or send love. I felt (and still feel) as though I did (do) not matter. My mental health had been so fragile for so long that I thought someone would care… but I was wrong.

When 2025 began, I was deliberate in stating that I wanted intentional time with friends and loved ones. I did not want the year to go by with me only having superficial, surface-level encounters with others- I wanted to go deeper. And as I sit here on Day 139 of the year, I can both recognize my flaws/errors, and clearly identify areas of growth. I am taking the steps in Christ towards an all-encompassing healing- physical, mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual. Some days are easier than others, and some days I am simply consumed with despair. Unfortunately, today is a travel day; I have not arrived at where I need to be, but the journey has started, and- thank God- I am not where I used to be.

I am traveling towards “OK.”

Be blessed.