In a very transparent moment, I just want to share that I am truly struggling with my weight. And to be even more transparent, I can’t think of a time when I was not struggling with my weight. I know God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers, that He does not give us more than we can bear, and that no temptation has overtaken me because He gives a way of escape, but battling obesity for 31 years seems to be a bit too much.

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How it began

After I reported my brother for what he had done to me, I found that a void lived within me. It was a deep, dark pit that nothing seemed to fill. The love of my family did nothing. The introduction to Christ did nothing. The resuming of life did nothing. What I found was that food comforted me. For reasons beyond my understanding, eating food felt like I was finally in control of something and that I had a say in what was happening in my life. Joke’s on me because it turns out that I had zero control over what I ate. After all, my emotions and feelings in a moment dictate what goes in my mouth and when… not me. Just as powerless as I felt for those two horrible years of rape, is how I feel 31 years later when it comes to food.

I have no control.

I had my last sip of alcohol in February 2017. For me, walking away from alcohol was difficult, but it was not impossible. Yes, it altered who I hung out with and where I went when I did hang out with friends, but I felt like that was significantly easier than this. When I recognized that alcohol was controlling my life, I had to have real conversations with God, asking Him to remove the urges that called for the consumption of alcohol. It was/is not easy.

• There are days when I find myself so stressed out that I just want a sip to help me relax.
• There are days when I feel so overwhelmed by the weight of life that I just want a sip to numb the pain.
• There are days when I want to celebrate completing a difficult task by going out with my peers and taking a sip to have fun.

There are days, but God’s power within me allows me to restrain those urges. Again, it’s not easy, but God is faithful.

Something else that I should add. The moment that I decided to step away from alcohol was the same day that I decided to step away from all things that control me. As such, I don’t take pain medications, and I do not consume medication unless I’m overwhelmingly incapacitated by an illness and the medication is my only source of relief. When I stepped away from alcohol, I stepped away from everything.

But food is different

I can’t just walk away from food and decide that I will not consume it anymore. My body does not need alcohol to survive, but it does need food. I beg God DAILY to help me remove my urges, yet this seems like it is the thorn in my flesh that God has no intention of removing.

However, today is a new day. Today is a new day for me to continue to try and continue to ask God to help me with the addiction that seems almost impossible to beat. I recognize that the greatest part of any addiction is changing your mind to not depend on what it thought was necessary for survival.

So for me, today I am just in prayer. Prayer for freedom from every form of addiction. Prayer for God’s strength in the midst of adversity. Prayer for God’s healing power. Prayer for God to release each reader from the chains- physical, emotional, and financial- that bind them. I’m just in prayer.

Will you join me?