As I looked down at the pile of clothes on the floor of my bedroom, I felt a mixture of peace and relief knowing that I was now saying “farewell” to items that I had once deemed so necessary. My closet was lighter and so was I; an inexplicable weight had been lifted from me and peace had filled its void.

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Although my symptoms were mild (I mean, barely existent), I decided to stay home from church because it was not a place that allowed me to be isolated from others. So since I knew that I was going to be home on Sunday, naturally, I stayed up late watching TV—specifically, Survival of the Thickest on Netflix… because I just love Michelle Buteau. The newest season of the series had just been released and I was too excited to just let it sit there unwatched for another night. Say what you will about TV and “certain” shows, but a solid education (dare I say, blessing) is available to all if we just listen carefully. For me, as I watched Season 2, episode 2, I felt a spark in my heart as I watched the women live so comfortably in their beautiful Black skin. And as I watched, I realized something that I could not get out of my mind:

I need to learn how to love myself.

I thought I did love myself. I thought my desires to lose weight and eat healthier were all coming from a place of true love with myself. I thought that by using both WW (formerly, Weight Watchers) and Noom to track my meals, meeting with my PCP/PCM and a Nutritionist, going to the gym three times a week, and walking for two miles every weekday morning would help me lose the extra 50 pounds that have made themselves a little too comfortable on my body since the Pandemic Shut Down. Additionally, I thought hanging on to the clothes that I was once able to fit would somehow inspire me to lose weight and be able to wear them again. As it turns out, I was wrong about absolutely everything.

That night as I lay in bed disregarding sleep and cares of this world, I quite definitively heard God as He told me to let go of the clothes that could no longer fit me so that I could make physical and mental space. You see, what I did not realize was that by holding onto the clothes, I was always comparing my today self to the M.E. that I used to be. I was living in the past and struggling greatly to accept the present (and coming future) that God had for me. By holding onto items that I had not worn [comfortably] in over a year, I was saying the person that I was then was more important the the person that I am today and I was no longer ok with that. I needed to make room. I needed to let go.

Later that morning, after meal prepping for the week and washing my locs, I came back upstairs and started cleaning my closet. It was SOOOOO hard to let go of those 10 pairs of jeans that I had purchased from NY & Co., Kohl’s, and Old Navy because I had once loved them so much and they had once fit me so perfectly. But today I could not fit them and only God knew what tomorrow would hold. While I may lose the weight again, those clothing items would never fit me like they once did. With each of the previous times that I lost weight, it was different, my body was not the same. Even now when the weight did return, it did not return to the same places. Time had changed and so had my body. I was literally holding on to items that could have been a blessing to someone else. I had to let go.

I had to let go of who I used to be.
I had to let go of who others thought I should be.
I had to let go of the image that I had created in my mind of myself.
I had to let go of my baggage, my fears, my feelings of inadequacy.
And more importantly, I had to learn how to love myself.

If you read carefully, you will notice that I did not say, “learn how to love myself again” because the truth is, I had never loved myself. When I met with the Nutritionist, she asked me if eating had ever been fun for me. I told her, “never.” Eating was always obligatory or emotionally driven and always hated myself for whatever I ate. Though it had taken 38.5 years, I finally permitted myself to unapologetically love M.E. and I felt FREE!

The pile of clothes on my floor at that moment meant more than just hundreds of dollars to be donated, it meant that I was clearing space for God’s new. Beloved, I truly believe that what God has planned for me will far outweigh anything that He has ever done in the past. As I mentioned last week, God is revealing things so that He can heal things, and today, He is helping me love M.E.

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As with everything that I write, I may come from a personal perspective, but it is my prayer that you are able to find your story in mine. Today God is asking us to let love heal the brokenness that we didn’t even know existed before. What may appear as “spring cleaning,” is actually the removal of barriers that block us from seeing and receiving God’s love and grace. Remove and be free; continue to let God reveal so that He can heal.

Be blessed.